It's hump day! Also known as the day in which we digest every major tabloid and pick out the good bits for you, gentle reader. In this week's rundown, Britney wore a really hideous Halloween costume and her kids' teeth are going to fall out, Angelina is possibly getting it on with either her new bodyguard, Billy, or her Wanted co-star James McAvoy, Us Weekly continues their probably lucrative love affair with the cast of the Hills, and Jezebel favorite Tyra Banks alienates her banker paramour's friends with her cray cray behavior. Intern Sharon helped us compile all the info you're secretly dying to know but embarrassed to be caught reading on the subway, after the jump.

Britney is SICK! Declares the cover, showing Brit with her broke-ass weave and hideously unflattering Halloween costume. Inside we learn that Spears got straight Fs on the Parenting Report Card graded by her court-appointed parenting coach because her home life is "chaotic." A "confidant" thinks Brit is suffering from adult onset ADD or postpartum depression. Us then provides a handy chart delineating the signs of mental illness for those of us not already convinced that Brit is batshit. In Hills news, the axis of evil known as Spencer Pratt is allegedly shopping a sex tape "under the guise that it had been 'stolen.'" The tape shows Pratt n' pals hooking up with a bunch of Brazilian hussies. Later, Audrina catches JustinBobby making out with a redhead at L.A. club Opera and has since begun dating Australian pro BMXer Corey Bohan. Also inside: did Katie Holmes run the marathon without a bra (but with lipstick and eyeshadow)? Are Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson really dating? "Did Brad Get Dissed by Barak?" Are Christina Applegate and ex-husband Johnathon Schaech back together? What is the meaning of life?
Grade: C- (cold mac n' cheese the next morning)

Life & Style
Angelina's Sexy Kiss With Another Man! chastises the cover (and hey look, they went back to the old logo!) though inside we learn that her kiss was part of a scene with Scotsman James McAvoy for her upcoming movie Wanted. It's called ACTING, people. But we are reminded that Angie has a history of boning her costars, as she hooked up with Brad and exes Billy Bob Thornton and Jonny Lee Miller on set. Allegedly Brad is jealous of her steamy scene and also of her hot new bodyguard, another Scottish bloke named Billy. Britney's mom gives L&S an exclusive interview in which she says "I blame myself," for Britney's erratic behavior. It's kind of a bummer! In addition: Bennifer v. 2.0 is purportedly feeling the strain of their busy schedules, as Jennifer Garner is in New York acting in a revival of Cyrano and Ben is on the road promoting his directorial debut Gone Baby Gone. As a result, Ben's been hitting the sauce pretty hard again. Finally, there is a spread of Jennifer Aniston high school photos where she sports sweatpants and also her old nose.
Grade: D+ (cinnamon raisin bagel dug out of the garbage)

The cover shows adorable Jayden James and Sean Preston saying "Mommy We Miss You!" The "two forgotten princes of Malibu" are left in the car while Brit goes chandelier shopping and she never lets them have playdates with other, possible more hygienic children. An interview with "the anti-Britney" Carrie Underwood reveals that she loves the bad boys and enjoys drinking Coors beer, long walks on the beach and dolphins. "They're like giant, rubbery, wet dogs!" Kate Hudson and Orlando Bloom sucked face at her Halloween party (in front of ex-boyfriend Dax!!) but they're not really dating. Tyra Banks is dating a 50-year-old banker named John Utendahl, and his buddies are not pleased with Ty Ty's divaness. "Tyra insisted his friends delete iPhone pics they had taken as a group because she hadn't been styled!"
Grade: D (warm cottage cheese and prunes)

In Touch
Tom's still keeping secrets from Katie, the cover tells us. A new book by Andrew Morton (of Lady Di bio fame) exposing Tom's "deepest demons" is hitting bookstores next January. Katie is worried that Suri's paternity might be questioned by Morton because the alien baby's birth certificate was not signed until 20 days after she was born. In addition, Morton explores the gay innuendos that have plagued Tom since his marriage to Mimi Rogers, who had said he was celibate during their union. The book also rehashes the old rumor that Katie auditioned to be Tom's beard... er, wife, along with fellow starlets Jessica Alba and Kate Bosworth and alleges that Tom's past relationships were "photo opportunities" rather than "romances." In Touch carries details of the fracas at Oprah's South African academy. Disgraced school matron Tiny Makopo reportedly "grabbed a student by the throat and threw her against the wall." Also inside: George Clooney and Fabio got in a fistfight at Madeo in West Hollywood over some photos being taken by Fabio's party. Clooney asked one of Fabio's companions to stop taking pictures, and Fabio told George to "Stop being a diva." Zing! A scuffle ensued between George and Fabio but waiters broke it up before it got too intense. The Olsen twins had a garage sale and made a cool $25,000 off their homeless chic cast-offs.
Grade: C (peanut butter and jelly on untoasted Wonderbread)

The cover asks whether Angelina and her bodyguard have become "too close?" Bodyguard Billy (no one knows his last name!) escorted Ange to a screening of A Mighty Heart. A friend of the couple says that Angelina "finds [Billy] attractive and she's reacting to it. She's flirtatious. She's a sexual creature." Britney's ashamed of her childhood because she grew up poor, says mom Lynne's forthcoming book. Also, her break-up with Justin was scheduled. According to a family insider, apparently things had been in decline for a while and towards the end, both Timberlake and Spears were using their bond for publicity. Finally, Lynne is in dire financial straits because Brit stopped giving her money. Helena Bonham Carter farted during a sex scene with Paul Bettany while filming The Heart of Me. Star also links Shia LaBeouf's recent Walgreens arrest to his break-up with Rihanna. Shia is allegedly insane with jealousy over her new relationship with Josh Hartnett.
Grade: D- (possibly rancid leftover General Tso's)