Okay, I have been meaning to write about a gazillion things today but my mind won't stop returning to "The Lushes: Jenna Bush and Amy Winehouse," my surefire hit TV show that I will make, somewhere in the low six figures "consulting" for when I get the hell out of this crazy blogging business, and since it all started with you guys, and my observation that Jenna Bush and Amy Winehouse are the two most surefire traffic-generating celebs on our site...wait, that was not a full sentence, oh well... ANYWAY, here's how it goes:

Jenna Bush is starting over. See, she said something in an interview with Cosmo en Espanol about how she'd gotten an abortion once and didn't think it was a big deal; it's not like she invaded Panama or anything, and no one noticed until a website called Guanabee picked it up and this other website linked to it and it became this huge media firestorm and long story short, her parents cut her off. Now, this wouldn't have been a problem, bestselling book and all, but she had pledged to donate a portion of the proceeds to charity, with the remaining 10% going to a quiet wedding ceremony to her beloved Henry, so all was going to be cool, but then she walked into a stall in the ladies room at Smith's Point one night and GAH!

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So that was off. So she goes back to the only career she's ever known, teaching underprivileged kids how to love themselves in inner-city DC, and realizes very quickly that she's not going to be able to make rent unless she finds a subletter, stat. Enter Amy Winehouse! How did Amy Winehouse end up in DC? Who knows!

Maybe she was actually a covert agent for Mossad, or maybe she was called to testify before the FCC about indecency or something, but either way, she has no fucking clue, right? Because she's so fucked up! (No hole in the plot that can't be saved by the holes in her brain!) Okay, so Amy and Jenna take to one another instantly, but the honeymoon is over quickly. Amy shows up at school asking for coke money and scares the kids, she uses the special Bush family heirloom spoons to snort heroin (thanks Balk!), she fucks Marion Barry on Ecstasy, and none of the plot twists really matter because the dueling accent humor is so totally hilarious in itself!

Oh my god I have to puke now.