"Forget the issues," proclaims the Holiday 2007 issue of Details, "It's been way too long since you wanted to screw the first lady." Hmmm, how to address this burning issue? Whatever, let's just address the fact that Jeri Thompson is "stacked," Michelle Obama is "smokin'" and Elizabeth Kucinich if a fuckin' "stone fox".... (wait, isn't that a book I read in fourth grade?) "If we manage to get one of them in the White House, it won't just be good for America — for our enterprise and our standing in the world — it will be good for our libidos. Um. So yeah, I was reading this at the magazine stand over the weekend, and lured in by such powerful, courageous prose, I gave Details the longest Tom Ford-scented sniff since probably the Anka era. And I am so totally confused. There's a story, "Are You Dating A Tweenager?" about the supposed "Big Girl Epidemic" of grown women who say "totally" a lot (um, I think you mean "totes!") and like glitter and pink and Hello Kitty and crap that poses the question, "Is this the sort of girl you clawed your way into manhood to date?"

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There's another story about how to cut your elderly mother off before she squanders your inheritance. And then, oh my god, there is this. And I can't say anything clever about it, because it's like — look at the fucking photo shoot! What is it all about? Are we still working through our sexual identity issues after all these years?