It's Wednesday, which means stacks of freshly minted tabloid goodness arrive at your local newsstand. Jess here, filling in for Dodai (who is filling in for Anna) and wading through two TomKat covers (OK! says they make it work, Star says they're torn apart), more Britney pregnancy rumors, a possible Brangelina wedding, and a guide to dating from the Hills' Lauren Conrad — Audrina says she deserves someone sarcastic and tall (what?). Trusty intern Sharon helped separate the tender nuggets of good gossip from the pages of lame diet advice and product shilling. After the jump, everything you don't really need to know but feel compelled to find out!

"My New Dating Rules!" Lauren Conrad's perky face beams from the cover. L.C. has had a ladyboner recently for artists and musicians because "they tend to be more sensitive." Her new rules for dating include reading The Game, googling prospective sweethearts, waiting for boys to call her, letting boys pay for dinner, and not hooking up with boys on the first date. Sounds like someone has been reading The Rules as well. Lauren also has a crush on Zac Efron because "his hair is always so pretty!" Meanwhile, Us devotes six pages to two separate Britney features, more notably an interview with Brit's former assistant, Kalie Machado. Kalie, who earned $4,000 for her 3 months in Spears' employ, mostly goes over old territory about Brit's sobbing jags and crappy mothering, but adds, "I never saw her take prescription medication — but she needed it. She needs mental help." In addition: Angelina and Jen battle it out on separate covers of W Magazine (Jen is "shocked and disappointed" that W decided to run the cover, which has a fake signature from Jen courtesy of artist Richard Prince); Jerry Seinfeld dabbled in Scientology 30 years ago ("I learned some things about communication that really got my act going."); Cate Blanchett might be sporting a baby bump; A feature about celebs mating with men who look like their fathers (J.Lo's dad looks creepily like Marc Anthony); Lilo drops out of her New Year's Eve hosting duties at Pure in Las Vegas — maybe she'll really stay sober this time around!
Grade: B+ (Ryan Gosling's hotness level in The Notebook)

In Touch
"A Wedding to Keep Brad," announces the cover, which In Style calls an "Exclusive," but mostly includes old Pitt quotes from British Cosmo. A "confidant" tells the mag that Brad wants to get hitched because "Deep down, Brad is haunted that, if they split, Angie would automatically get to keep the kids." Also inside: another week, another Britney article, but this one has a quote from Hyde-goer and L.A. musician Scott Kohler who says, "I watched Britney let a guy do a line of coke off her chest." It's no purple drank, but it's still a pretty scandalous. In Touch also wonders whether Dannielynn might have mental issues because of Anna Nicole's drug use while pregs (though baby daddy Larry Birkhead insists, "She is just fine and advanced in her developmental milestones."); Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson are hanging out and possibly banging ("They cracked each other up."); Lindsay is talking about moving in with new beau Riley Giles (though 79% of readers think she's "moving too fast"); crazed Mariah Carey fans get "M" tattoos in honor of Mimi and knocked up Halle Berry is now officially a D-cup. Finally, Mary-Kate Olsen may have found Jesus (or conversely, is Jesus). She was overheard outside the Beatrice Inn shouting, "Christ saves all! I save all! Consider yourself saved!" It sounds like she found Jesus at the bottom of a bottle of tequila.
Grade: D+ (Ryan Gosling in Lars and the Real Girl)

The cover blares Katie and Tom "Torn Apart!" Allegedly Katie is threatened by Tom's closeness with a number of "women" on the German set of his WWII drama Valkyrie. Katie "fears that her superstar husband could be keeping secrets from her." We could have told her that two years ago! Another juicy Lindsay Lohan rumor: sources say LiLo feared that she was pregnant by new boyf Riley Giles because she had packed on the pounds in rehab. Giles proposed in light of the alleged fetus, but Lindsay turned him down. Linds got her period a few days later and the marriage talk ceased. In other LiLo news, she was a bad influence on the other kids in rehab and "mixed whippits and the cold medicine Coricidin" to get high when she was at Promises during her first rehab stint. Leo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli are purportedly dunzo. Bar got the boot because she was pressuring Leo to marry her and she's apparently seeking solace in the arms of Cameron Diaz ex Kelly Slater. More on Brangelina — Brad's mom called Ange "trailer trash" for repeatedly discussing her drug use in interviews. In closing, K-fed has gained 25 pounds since becoming a "full time daddy" and is now being called "K-fat."
Grade: C- (Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson)

Life & Style
The cover wonders whether Brit-brit has a bun in the oven, saying "Friends Fear that Britney is Pregnant Again!" The fertile chanteuse has been missing her Depo-Provera shots and misplacing birth control pills in the meantime. She's allegedly been getting it on without a rubber with producer J.R. Rotem, "illusionist" Criss Angel and bff Sam Lufti. In additional Jen vs. Angie news, Jen is gaining weight while Angelina steadily loses it. Possible fauxmance Gyllenspoon was spotted at Kate Hudson's star-studded Halloween party and Pink was scoped making kissyface with another lady.
Grade: D (Ryan Gosling in the Mickey Mouse Club)

The British rag claims Tom & Katie are "Making it Work!" and gives their "10 rules for a strong marriage," which include breakfast in bed and lots of red roses (original!). Friends expect Kate to be up the stick again within the year. Also inside: an interview with Heidi's ex-coworker Elodie Otto from the Hills ("Spencer is nuts...I think those two [Speidi] are infatuated with each other and themselves; Janet Jackson gives advice on how to "conquer yo-yo dieting" (eat egg whites greens and salmon! Which is what every star diet says!); Kelly Slater gets around — in addition to Bar and Cameron, he's also been seen with other DiCaprio ex Gisele Bundchen.
Grade: D- (No Ryan Gosling at all)