Searching for moral clarity on a celebrity-related topic? It's not a job for the excessively scrupled. Which is why we called in our favorite Washington lobbyist when it came to sort out the pros and cons of the nascent "Boycott Britney" movement.

Okay, so E! Online, that bastion of very serious news, is reporting that a bunch of former Britney hangers-on are encouraging a boycott/mass action to get her to get help by denying her money, a la Amy Winehouse's inlaws who obviously only have Amy's best interests at heart. They even have a MySpace page, y'all. This is serious! Should you accept their friend request?


Oh, hell no.
Look, obviously the girl has problems, lacks the desire to deal with them, and had the money not to (regardless of whether anyone else forks over any more money to but that terrible song which makes me physically uncomfortable when I am forced to endure it). But how are a bunch of calls made by a bunch of über-fans (Britney still has fans? What is wrong with people?) to her record label, management company and MTV promising to buy her stuff later if they force her to get help now going to fix that? I'm really also not sure what kind of "friends" start a MySpace page and alert the press to get someone help- though, I think I might know what kind of people would do that sort of thing to soak some tiny corner of a famous person's spotlight. (Oh god, I should probably reference someone here. But who? That rehab counselor she made out with? That other guy she made out with? Or that guy she married? Or that other guy she married? Who hooked up with the babymama of the second guy she married? Said babymama? Chris Cocker? Michael Lohan? Dori Cooperman? Calum Worst?? Seriously folks let's not single any one person out.)

Which is to say that on the other hand, the relentless coverage of the train wreck that is Britney's public existence is, at this point, what is selling the song (and the advertisements from which people other than Britney are making money). I don't even listen to her music and someone, somewhere, is making money off my reading about her burgeoning Crazy. It's pretty obvious that she's vying for my — and everyone else's — attention, and willing to do just about anything to continue getting it. But, these supposed friends are not asking Perez Hilton, or E! or the tabloids to stop showing her meltdown in excruciating detail, just asking you to not pay her any money until she stops. But if we all stop looking, then she'll just try harder until we pay attention again, and I'd feel bad if she actually got worse because I stopped paying attention, so I'm just going to keep watching her public disintegration with detached interest, thanks. It's for the sake of the children, really.