It's Wednesday! Looking for Midweek Madness? You've come to the right place. This week, the Bauer magazines — In Touch and Life & Style — are swearing that Angelina and Brad Pitt are on the verge of breaking up, as usual. Us gives Suri Cruise their cover, OK!'s goes to Ricki Lake and Star chooses Nicole Richie. Wondering what's inside? All the details you're embarrassed to admit you're dying to know, after the jump.

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Star
"Nicole: Pregnancy Trouble!" shouts the cover, and the story inside claims that Nicole Richie "got the scare of a lifetime" in an Australian hotel room when she "felt a deep pain" and thought she was going into labor. The doctor told her it was a Braxton Hicks contraction (when the uterus "practices" for labor) but Nicole's "stress level is through the roof." She is driving BF Joel Madden "up the wall" with her mood swings. Yay, pregnancy! Also inside: Photos of the Waldorf-Astoria suite Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie use as their East Coast headquarters; Owen Wilson has found "inner peace" with ex-girlfriend Carolina Cerisola; Dancing With The Stars has torn Helio Castroneves and his fiancée apart; Jennifer Lopez "hates" Boston because it's Ben Affleck's hometown, so her tour won't stop there; and Spencer Pratt of The Hills has a younger sister who was busted for shoplifting in Hawaii last year. Plus: Breanna Tierney says "Lindsay Lohan stole my fiancé and wrecked my life!" She says she and Riley Giles "lived together for three years and planned on being together forever. But when he confessed that he had sex with Lindsay in one of the stairwells at Cirque... we were done." Riley has 3 or 4 DUIs and forged prescription charges in his past. That's not all! Tara Reid was in the hospital for 9 days, possibly for "liver damage from alcohol abuse"; Justin Timberlake and Jessia Biel are on the skids because he flirted with Kristin Bell; former clients are speaking out about Promises rehab, saying "they get people at their most vulnerable point to turn over huge sums of money" and treat famous people differently than civilians; Britney has stopped drinking and drugging, but quitting cold turkey could be making her confused, paranoid and depressed. Oh! And there's a "Life With Daddy" story which paints Kevin Federline as an amazing dad, and says Sean Preston "can be afraid of Britney." Think it was planted? Lastly, Nicole Kidman has a "Jekyll and Hyde" personality: sweet to hubby Keith Urban and sour to everyone else; and, in a story continued from last week, more secrets from stylists about stars' flaws: Lauren "LC" Conrad is a diva about getting her hair as straight as possible; someone changes the labels in Oprah's clothes so she thinks she's wearing a 10 when it's a 12; Gwen Stefani cries when she can't fit into sample sizes; Mariah Carey wears padded underwear to make her butt look rounder.
Grade: B+


Us
"Growing Up Suri!" squeals the cover, and the story has major revelations: Suri likes ice cream! She loves animals! She wears expensive clothes! She has two Scientologist nannies! Snooze. Also inside: Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal "purposely kept their distance" at the premiere of their movie on Oct. 10 but won't get back together because "he wants more than she can give right now"; a chart of "Biggest Baby Daddies" (Eddie Murphy has 7 kids by 3 women, Rod Stewart has 7 kids by 5 women, Mick Jagger has 7 kids by 4 women, Kevin Costner has 5 kids by 3 women; Sean Diddy Combs has 5 kids by 3 women); Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey are not on the rocks; Britney was overheard talking about her custody battle, saying "I hate my judge, He is so mean. Just an old fart" (Bonus! map of Britney's typical driving route around L.A). Plus: "Fall Flings" include Cameron Diaz and Bradley Cooper, Carrie Underwood and Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford, Josh Hartnett and Rihanna, Jessica Simpson and Orlando Bloom. [What??? -Ed.] Oh! And there's a "How Much Does It Cost To Be Brangelina" story with price tags for their homes, art, tuition, snacks, etc. The "Hollywood Divorce-O-Meter" rates split couples from friendly (Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra) to bitter foes (Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards). Lastly, current stars are compared to old-school stars: Katie Holmes is the new Jackie O, Jennifer Lopez is the new Liz Taylor, Eva Mendes is the new Sophia Loren, etc.
Grade: B


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Life & Style
"Angelina Turns Her Back On Brad," reads the cover, and the story inside basically alleges that Angelina Jolie is a drunk who feels smothered by her clingy man and army of kids. Good times! A source says Angie had nine drinks in one night, and L&S helpfully illustrates what 3 shots of vodka and 6 glasses of wine look like, in case you don't know. Also inside: Owen Wilson is drinking again — he was not willing to go to rehab because his family thinks he has a mental-health problem, not a substance-abuse issue. "Alcohol makes depression worse," says a doctor who has not treated Owen. Lindsay Lohan went to a place in Salt Lake City called Hotel Bar & Nightclub, but didn't drink, and there's a chart titled "L.A. and Utah are so different!" Plus: Ben Affleck is off the wagon: despite going to Promises in 2001, he was seen knocking back glasses of white wine with brother Casey at a bar in Chicago; Josh Hartnett and Rihanna were seeing dancing, hugging and giving each other little kisses.
Grade: C-



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In Touch
"The Romance Is Over," states the cover with finality. The story inside is about how Brad lights candles and tries to have "date night" and then Angie answers her cell phone and he turns on a basketball game and goes looking for the kids. Also inside: pictures from the In Touch party some people couldn't get into, but Kanye West, Jermaine Dupri and Emmy Rossum could; Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown lost 40 pounds without dieting! But she worked out with a trainer and hiked a lot; a "friend" of Britney Spears named Tuesday Knight (insert eyeroll emoticon) says she's told Britney to wear underwear, but Britney won't because "she doesn't like to"; one of the producers of The Hills admits that it's "a little fake" and a scene of Heidi Montag "arriving" at the airport was shot at the same time she was departing, plus Heidi and Spencer don't really live in "their apartment." Plus: Kate Bosworth called Orlando Bloom after hearing about his car crash and they've been chatting ever since; Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz lost 60 pounds but still has Sideshow Bob hair; Kate Hudson's son refuses to let her cut his hair; a list of ten Hollywood extreme diets, including Master Cleanse (Beyoncé, Ashanti), hypnosis (Lily Allen) and the one-bite-at-a-time Morsel Diet (Mariah Carey).
Grade: C-


OK!
Ricki Lake is "Thin, 39 & Looking For A Man," the cover promises, even though in the story Ricki says "I'm dabbling. I wouldn't call it hunting." She weighs 123 lbs. and says she was 260 at one point probably because she was molested as a child. Also inside: An interview with Heidi Klum, who says "It's important not to completely let yourself go, because when you're a mom you can go quickly into the sweatpants department." A spread called "Most Fertile Guys" has some of the same people seen in Us but also Justin Chambers (5 kids), Flavor Flav (7 kids) and George Foreman (10 kids). The "At Home With Sir Ben Kingsley" story seems like it might be from the British version of OK! but he does have a "darling house" in the British countryside and a hot Brazilian new wife; a Lindsay Lohan story has the added dish that Dina Lohan is auditioning to play Roxie Hart in Chicago on Broadway, which makes our brains explode. Plus: A random, gushy 2-page story on how Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick still act like "lovestruck teens"; Orlando Bloom was "driven wild by lust" for model Veronica Taylor the night of his car crash; eight black and white photographs from Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon's wedding — her white denim dress is mad short, she's wearing a veil, and he is wearing a tux sans tie and a black ski cap.
Grade: D