Republican Lawmakers Are Prudes, Adopt Pantyhose Policy

We spent this past weekend with two D.C. friends: one who works for a male Democratic senator, one who works for a female Republican senator. And so naturally the topic of weekend conversation veered immediately to the pressing issues preventing the two sides of the aisle from uniting and restoring the country to greatness, specifically, what to wear to work. Our Democrat friend wears Chuck Taylors and jeans to the Russell Building when Congress is in recess, no questions asked. But our Republican pal is not so lucky! Just last week, she was pulled aside by a supervisor and debriefed as to the ins-and-outs of Grand Old Party dressing. Open toe-shoes are a no-go, as are jeans. Heels are mandatory at all times. But most bizarre is the “pantyhose policy.”

Basically, pantyhose must be worn every day, she was told. Even in the summertime? Oh yes, and “no exceptions.” Well, what about pantsuits? “Well, I suppose you can wear them,” the supervisor sighed, “But you are going to need to check with the Senator herself whether or not you will need to wear hose under pants, as well. I’m not entirely sure of the Senator’s stance on pantsuits at this time.” And before you ask, “how the fuck would anyone even know if you were wearing pantyhose underneath a pantsuit” — we’re going to wager something along the lines of “wide stance.”