It's Wednesday, which means it's time for Midweek Madness. This week, no two celebrity tabloid overs are the same! Jennifer Lopez, Ashlee Simpson and Britney Spears are joined by two composite covers dealing with bodies. After the jump, we dish details from Life & Style, Star, Us, OK! and In Touch.

Life & Style
Hey, look who got a new logo? It's not bad. The inside of L&S is different, too — more fashion, tons of pictures. The "Best and Worst New Bodies" story is actually a series of mini-stories all tagged with the query "What Happened To Their Bodies?" and features a spread on Tori Spelling (NutriSystem), before and after pictures of Jessica Simpson, Angelina Jolie, Janet Jackson, Courtney Love, etc. One 2-page piece claims, "Drugs ruined Brit's Body," with a source saying that Britney Spears is "bloated" and "has stopped working out." "She starves herself for three days while drinking and doing drugs, then when she comes down she binges on junk food." Also inside: "Angelina Hates Brad's Style." Angelina was annoyed that her beau did not wear a tie to a meeting and accused him of "dressing like a bartender," says a source; Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are not going to have another baby right now because Katie wants to "solidify her Hollywood comeback," according to an insider; an interview and shirtless photo shoot with Swedish tourist, aspiring model and friend of Paris Hilton, Alex Vaggo, who says he is "very impressed with her"; Katherine Heigl wants to get married under a snow-covered tent in Utah; and Hayden Panettiere uses a high-tech eyelash conditioner to get long, lush lashes.
Grade: C+

"Yes, She's Pregnant!" gushes the cover, and inside the story is not a statement from Jennifer Lopez herself, but a clever amalgam of lots of pregnancy gossip — including testimony from TRL host Damien Fahey, who interviewed La Lopez on Monday but was not allowed to ask if she was pregnant. "She walked around like a pregnant woman, sat like a pregnant woman and stood like a pregnant woman," he says. Us says it has confirmed from multiple sources that Lopez is 4 months along, and could be having twins. But Marc Anthony doesn't want anyone talking about it, including his tour staff. "Anybody who does bring it up has basically been indirectly warned they will lose their jobs. Marc was very clear," says a source. Also inside: Jessica Simpson was seen flirting with Brody Jenner at a New York nightclub; Prince Harry is disappointed that photos of him snorting vodka were leaked to the British press; a 2-page roundup of all the "fake news" other tabloids run about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's relationship (including In Touch, Life&Style and The Enquirer); details on Britney Spears' reunion with her mom and sister — with a rundown of Brit's crazy week (coffee run drama, flat tires, U-turns); three reasons Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are a perfect match (each has two ex-spouses, their kids are the exact same age, they both have sex tapes); inside the closets of Kelly Rowland, Tamara Mellon and country singer Taylor Swift.
Grade: C

"Hollywood Stylists Tell All!" is a horrifying photo-collage of TMI tidbits: Jennifer Aniston is "neurotic about bikini waxes" according to a former waxer in a box titled "Too much hair down there!"; Renée Zellweger has rosacea; Drew Barrymore is sensitive about her breasts; Paula Abdul's chest is "awkward"; Katie Holmes has hammertoes; Britney Spears is "Zitney" because she picks her blackheads with dirty, cigarette-stained fingers [So do I! -Ed.]; Oprah has bunions; Kirsten Dunst has B.O.; Kiefer Sutherland showed up to work with vomit on his shirt; Lindsay Lohan's extensions "need rehab," etc, etc, etc. Also inside: Clay Aiken is "Clay Ate-ken" because he's gained 50 lbs.; Matthew McConaughey wants fiancée Camila to have his baby; Jamie Foxx was seen wearing clip-on earrings; Lindsay Lohan doesn't want to go back to L.A. because she "made a lot of enemies" by not showing up to a wedding in which she was supposed to be a bridesmaid, trashing someone else's house and possibly sleeping with Kevin Federline (?!?). Plus: Jessica Simpson is cutting a new country album, house-hunting in New York and shopping for a new man! Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are turning to in-vitro fertilization so they can have another "bio-baby"; Justin Timberlake is trying to help Britney get back on track by putting his mother in touch with her; Britney's drug dealer, who meets her at the hotels she checks into one night at a time, is a "pretty, petite brunette who specializes in top-grade cocaine and Ecstasy; Rick Salomon's first wife, EG Daily, says he's "impulsive"; Owen Wilson is not drinking or doing drugs and loves watching the sunset from his new mansion on the ocean; and Katie Holmes might be pregnant!
Grade: B

In Touch
"Botox at 23" the cover shouts, with Ashlee Simpson looking not at all ashamed. The article inside claims that Ashlee is "obsessed" with perfecting her body and face. Other young stars accused of using non-invasive cosmetic procedures include Keira Knightley, Jessica Biel and Queer Eye's Jai Rodriguez. Also inside: Brad Pitt was a wild frat-boy who mooned people when he was at the University of Missouri; Kate Hudson dumped Dax Shepard by having a girlfriend go to his house and tell him it was over; Drew Barrymore and Justin "I'm a Mac" Long are talking about marriage; The Hills stars Justin Bobby and Heidi Montag are friends on Facebook; Vince Vaughn went to a club in L.A., met a girl and started making out with her within 20 minutes; Britney's dad is worried that her profligate spending will leave her kids penniless; an interview with Lindsay Lohan reveals she's "taking it day by day," hoping to go to Africa with the Red Cross in December and is "really happy" with new guy Riley; Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo had a public fight and are on the rocks, especially since both of their careers have stalled. Plus: A list of Hollywood's 10 thriftiest stars, from Teri Hatcher (drives beat-up cars) to Tyra Banks (uses a toothpick to dig the hard-to-get lipstick at the bottom of the tube).
Grade: C

"She Doesn't Want Her Boys Back," gasps the cover (inside the story is called "Happier Without The Kids"). Britney Spears was hanging with friends at the Peninsula Hotel when the subject of her boys' custody came up. "Don't worry, you'll get your kids back," said a friend. "I don't give a shit anymore," Britney allegedly replied. "I never wanted them in the first place." The rest of the story compiles Britney's weird behavior: she tried to take her Yorkie, London, to a Mexican restaurant, so the manager asked her to leave, and when a bystander asked her why she was upset, she responded, "Quesadillas — I'm so happy!" Then she asked, "What day is today?" and as she was leaving, shouted, "Party on me!" Another source claims that Britney cares more about the dog than her sons — "She'll let anyone hold Preston and JJ, but has to really trust you for you to even touch London." Also inside: "Lindsay's First Interview After Rehab" (except for the one we just read in In Touch!) in which Lindsay says rehab was "a sobering experience." LOL! Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's marriage is still going because "they make each other laugh" — plus Tom's kids, Isabella and Connor, didn't go to Germany with Dad this summer but to Scientology Camp in L.A. OK! covers a bunch of pregnant stars in a row: Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Richie, Halle Berry, Christina Aguilera and, uh, Nicole Kidman, who was recently photographed with her hand on her stomach as she "protected what appeared to be a bump" (or maybe just too much shrimp cocktail?); also a day in the life of uh, Joey Fatone.
Grade: C-