Hey guys! So yeah, it's not like I found a boyfriend or anything, but the news was not quite as predictable as my hangover today! We'll start with my crushes: Al Gore is a front-runner for the Nobel, Mark Cuban is hanging on on "Dancing With The Stars" and Barack Obama turns out to believe in Jesus, which is dangerous unless he can manage to ignore all those Gospel passages in which Jesus talks about how birth control pills are like murder and all gays shalt make careers bashing gays and universal health care is a noxious gateway drug to the world of bread lines and little red books. (Speaking of drugs, what happened to Al Gore III? Did he just manage to stop engaging in the activity that led to his arrest? Is that even possible? Someone give that man an Oprah gig. Also: Natasha Lyonne; discuss.) Anyway, so today we learned Larry Craig almost came one degree of sexaration away from Ted Haggard through that friendly escort we met back before we had started thinking hypocritical gaybashing gay sex scandals were kinda over already. Dude, remember when it was possible to have a hetero affair and make news? I'm pretty sure private property was still illegal in China then. And now there's a 26-year-old woman worth $16.2 billion there! Too bad the average person still makes less than $200 a month though it's okay because the pollution makes living kind of nasty, brutish etc. Okay, in less surprising news, Blackwater's back in the headlines.

Apparently Hillary has some nebulous connection to the mercenary firm, which killed a bunch of Iraqis for no good reason other than probs the mixed drinks, and now the Iraqis want $8 million in compensation for each victim, which sounds pretty reasonable when you remember we're spending $271 million a day there anyway so it's sort of like the kind of hefty tip you pay when the your drunk grandpa tried to grope the waitress. And yeah, groping =pretty good foreplay to the news of the Oral Roberts cougar. Wait, was I supposed to explain my crush on Mark Cuban? Really, it kind of makes no sense.