This week in Midweek Madness: Britney Spears and Angelina Jolie have 2 covers each, with the girls from The Hills rounding out the spread. (According to a recent story published in Forbes, Jennifer Aniston is the top-selling celebrity face for tabloids. Wonder how many covers she'll be on next week? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have mixed results and one of the worst-sellers is Britney Spears, according to Forbes.) We dipped our pan in the tabloid stream, looking for gossip gold. See what we dredged from the celebrity cesspool known as Hollywood when we take a closer look at the new issues of OK!, Life & Style, Us, Star and In Touch , after the jump.

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Star
"Britney Hits Rock Bottom," reads the cover, and will you look at that oh-so-flattering shot of Ms. Spears? The cruelty! Inside, the story's headline is "Britney Balloons To 160 Pounds." The article claims that Brit binges on fast food and ice cream, then takes inhalers to suppress her appetite and laxatives to "flush out" the food, hence her frequent trips to the bathroom. Also, a source says Britney called Kevin Federline on September 27th and left a booze and cocaine-fueled message that said "I'm high and I'll stay high!" — which is why Federline's lawyer called for an emergency hearing. The source says that she passed her first drug test but failed a second one. Also inside: Kiefer Sutherland is "drunk 24/7"; Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson have been talking on the phone regularly, sharing yoga and meditation techniques and feel connected because they are both "wounded souls"; the Heidi Montag/Spencer Pratt Tiffany wedding registry was fake; Julia Roberts and Danny Moder are in therapy to save their marriage; 20-year-old Jason Wahler blames his alcoholism on The Hills ("You go out in L.A. and club owners want people on TV to party at their clubs. They throw bottles at you. It was 100% part of the problem."); Rock Of Love winner Jes says she had no idea who Bret Michaels was before she went on the show and "I don't think you can fall in love with someone in five weeks."
Grade: B- (tarnished silver)


OK!
"Britney Suicide Watch/Goodbye Mommy," the cover sobs, winning our award for most emotionally manipulative magazine cover of the week. Congrats! The story inside, called "Britney: Life Not Worth Living", claims that Britney's brother Bryan is on suicide watch. "He's afraid she is going to accidentally OD," says a source. Meanwhile Britney drives around and gets lost, asking paparazzi for directions back to her house, and is addicted to tanning, pets, shopping, salad and Red Bull. Also inside: Reese Witherspoon was seen flirting with James Blunt; Friday Night Lights actress Minka Kelly's friends are telling her to dump John Mayer before he breaks her heart; Adrian Grenier is "so conceited" according to a source, that while lying in bed with a girl he was staring at himself in the mirror and said, "look how beautiful I am, it's amazing"; Tom Brady was pissed when he found out that his son was on the cover of OK! with Bridget Moynahan; Rihanna may or may not have breast implants; Orlando Bloom "took notice" when Jennifer Aniston showed up on the beach in Mexico in one of her teeny bikinis; there's "mean girls" tension on the set of the Sex And The City movie; Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may get married, and a palm reader says he can see a third wedding in Angie's hand; Maddox Jolie-Pitt has a crush on a girl at school who has brown eyes and yellow and navy ribbons in her brown hair; and John Stamos, single and 44, wants to adopt kids.
Grade: C+ (gold plated)


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Life & Style
"Shutting Angelina Out," declares the cover. The article is titled "Now Their Friends Are Caught In The Fight" and claims that Brad doesn't get a chance to hang out with his friends George Clooney, Oprah, Melissa Etheridge, Jamie Oliver and Dermot Mulroney because he no longer has L.A. as a home base and is dragged to Paris, Africa, New Orleans and the Czech Republic by Angelina Jolie. Angie finds it difficult to schmooze, a source claims, and thinks that casual friendships with other celebrities are a distraction from the important things in life. For crying out loud. Also inside: During a visit to a school in the Bronx, Marc Anthony said of Jennifer Lopez, "It's a blessing to watch her grow on a daily basis," which L&S takes to mean that she is indeed pregnant; Britney Spears may finally be speaking to her mother again; Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton are drifting apart because their lives are so different now, but Paris wants to throw Nic a baby shower (by the by, this story ends mid-sentence, whoops!); Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom are a great match because they both have dogs, dabble in photography and "love scarves." Seriously. That's what it said.
Grade: D (brass)


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In Touch
"Angelina Gains 10 Lbs!" cheers the cover, and inside the story addresses the "baby rumors," which were alluded to in OK! . Additionally, the copy reads: "Her boobs are getting bigger! But her legs are still thin." Insert eye-roll here. Non-story alert! Also inside: Is Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad's feud staged for the sake of the show? They avoid each other, but when they finally do meet, "they're going to get verbal and maybe even physical," says a source. "There's talk that they could both even wind up in the pool at the Roosevelt hotel." Plus: Allegra Versace's anorexia relapse has landed her in a Minnesota clinic; Lindsay Lohan's tango instructor visits her in rehab every Friday and Saturday to prepare her for an upcoming movie; Djimon Hounsou bought girlfriend Kimora Lee Simmons $40,000 diamond earrings, but asked for non-blood diamonds; the guy in Hawaii who says he taped himself having sex with Britney Spears says it was just normal sex. ("We didn't do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes and then we passed out.") Plus: Will George Clooney finally give up his bachelorhood for girlfriend Sarah Larson?
Grace: C- (pyrite, aka fool's gold)


Us
Since this is "The Style Issue", the gossip is wedged between party coverage, shopping tips and red carpet dresses. Us crowns Cameron Diaz 2007's Best Dressed. There are some Amanda Bynes "runway to her way" fashion shots in which her makeup is so bad someone should be fired. Diane Kruger and Chanel's Karl Lagerfeld tell Us why they inspire one another — we had no idea Diane was Karl's muse, but if Us says so, it must be true! Also inside: Brad and Angelina are stronger than ever (Us loves making the competish look bad; they have an covers from In Touch and Enquirer as part of the story, with copy like "Forget what you've heard! [Their romance] continues to soar."); Angelina wants to produce a TV show about Doctors Without Borders and hopes to sell it to HBO. "The DUI Hall Of Shame" is a 2-page spread of celeb mugshots with a warning about drinking and driving (13,470 people died last year) but didn't Star do something similar in August?
Grade: D- (shiny rock that looks like something but isn't)

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