I was pleased to hear the news that Michael Lohan is giving Lindsay a new drug to suppress her alcohol cravings. I mean, at first, I was like, no, I've tried Campral, and it didn't work, and then I read further down in the story and I realized that, oh yeah, Lindsay's tried Campral too, but this one has a "slightly different molecular structure," and also it's injected so you can't just not take it because sometimes your alcohol cravings are all you have. Because Lindsay might think, "they can't take that away from me," but actually they can, and Lindsay would do well to stay away from major airports while the TSA is still on "relatively harmless woman" patrol. We wish her luck failing to quit drinking. And you too! The war sucks so bad no one wants to fund it anymore (not to mention: so bad Jenna Bush implied she didn't want to fund it anymore?); the country will spend the next ten years unraveling the depths at which it was hijacked by a bunch of the same crooked Pentagon crony capitalists who used to bribe Saddam Hussein for kickbacks. And yeah, your Fuckerfox is not going to stop crashing.

And you'll think of the Burmese and the Koreans and the likely Iowan primary voters and the little old lady that could sue Steve Jobs. And think of your 401(K): thanks to the colossal debt dragging down the dollar, it won't stop going up! And then you'll remember you don't have one. But you do have drinking buddies; speaking of, Dodai's texting me. It's been real.