Welcome back to "That's So Jane's", a really bad pun we use both as an homage to Jane/Jane's Defence Weekly magazines and as an excuse to blog about something other than celebrities and drinking and fucking and all our stupid little affluent society problems. There's a whole Third World out there! And really, don't take a hot dictator's word for it: They're trying to blow us up. In this edition Anonymous Lobbyist talks to Michael Totten, an independent journalist and foreign-affairs expert whose idea of a great vacation spot is Libya. (Though the wife is nagging him to indulge her this year and go to North Korea.) In other words, he's crazy! This week the two take on A-Jad's hotness versus Blackwater mercenaries' hotness, Afghanistan's drug scene, and just when the fuck we're going to be getting some oil out of this grand Ponzi scheme to liberate Iraq.
Q: So, first things first: Is there drinking in Iran? Or do they just skip right over that part of the Winehouse catalog and go straight for the H? A: Oh, they totally drink in Iran. Christopher Hitchens was there a few years ago and he wrote about in it Vanity Fair. He was like, everyone except some dorky mullah gave me a glass or a shot when I went to their house. Porn and heroin are the big new things, though, you're right. It's better than Seattle.
Q: Since lots of people in the Western world are calling abstinence the new promiscuity, does that make the hijab the new miniskirt? In all the pictures we see on the TV of Iran, it seems to be pretty popular with the women there. A: The hijab is the new bikini, actually. Burkhas are the new miniskirts. But women who show too much ankle in Iran get arrested and have their feet plunged into buckets of cockroaches, like on Fear Factor or something. It's totally gross over there.
Q: Okay, so let's cut to the chase: Ahmadinejad: hot dictator? Or hottest dictator? A: Dude needs a shave and a haircut. And a few more inches, if you know what I mean. (He's short.) And he's not really a dictator. Ayatollah Khamenei is the real dictator and he's, like, old. He's even older than Bob Dole. None of those guys are hot. All the hot ones get strung up and tortured, especially the women who don't like the new miniskirts. Actually, Khamenei and the Revolutionary Guards don't have as much power and influence as they used to. There's this unspoken agreement between the people and the government: you pretend to arrest us, as we'll pretend to behave. Again, it's like Seattle, only with occasional public hangings.
Q: Hey, speaking of hotness: you've been to Iraq. Are the Blackwater mercenaries all they're cracked up to be? Like, we know they're more indifferent to the sanctity of Iraqi civilian life than other mercenaries, but does that make them more cool and aloof and likely to carpet bomb your heart? I mean, is there any correlation between hotness and evil? A: Depends on what you're into. If you're into bad boys, yeah. They're kinda like Jack Bauer that way, only they're younger, better-paid, and don't have that annoying daughter bugging them at work all the time. I don't know about the correlation between hotness and evil. I mean, do you think Saddam Hussein is hot? I think he'd be gross even with a gay makeover. Better question: do you think Spencer Pratt is hot? No, right? Because he's EVIL.
Q: Ok but on a side note, can we compare our Persian kitty with Afghan President Hamid Karzai? Both rock the retro look, both have easy access to drugs and plenty of power, but why do you think the ladies are all over Ahmadinejad these days? A: The ladies just pretend to be hot for the A'jad. It's that or be flogged. They really do dig the Mayor of Kabul, though. He's kinda got that Sean Connery look going, only with a Muslim twist. And Afghanistan has more drugs than Iran, even more than Colombia. Even more than Miami, if you can believe that.
Q: Well, they're just hoarding them for the occasion Perez Hilton finally manages to kill off Castro. Anyway, new subject: last week, someone told me that the Iranians have oil but are going to have to start importing it soon, just like the U.S.. Is that true? Are we all going to have to get our oil from like, Iraq or something soon? A: They have that whole 1970s gas lines thing happening in Iran. A'jad is the new Jimmy Carter, only he takes hostages. They need oil from Iraq more than we do. What I want to know is, why aren't we getting oil from Iraq already? Didn't we, like, invade Iraq? When is that benefit supposed to kick in, anyway?
Q: Now, everyone's favorite presidential cat is also way into the nuclear scene (although he can likely pronounce it better than our president), but he keeps saying it's for cheap energy and we keep saying it's for bombs. Which is it? I mean, it seems like it be really hard to blow anything but their own country up with one of those big reactor thingies. A: The problem isn't that Iran will blow itself up, but that a bunch of Arab countries will want nuclear reactors for peaceful purposes, too, and everyone in the region will blow themselves up. That would suck. I don't own an SUV, but I might want one someday. How could I drive it if the Middle East is all blown up? Anyway, of course Iran wants the bomb. I know, I know, Bush lied, people died. And? A'jad saysIran has no gay people and that he has a green aura or some shit like that. Dude's cracked. And, besides, how is he supposed to push all the Jews into the sea? With cattle prods?
Q: Ha ha! All the gossip columns seem to be filled with blind items hinting that we'll be bombing Iran soon. Can you handicap that for me? This year, next year? Because I prefer not to travel when we're bombing places with terrorist ties, and I so need a vacation soon. A: What, you think I have Dick Cheney on speed dial or something? I work in places like Lebanon and Iraq, so I don't know what the hell is going on in Washington. You're totally asking the wrong guy. If you need a vacation during a war, just go to Israel. I did. They have booze, drugs, hot chicks, and a beach. What more do you want? That place is always getting bombed anyway, so what's the difference? But it's totally full of terrorists, I mean, tourists. It's full of both, actually, so it's pretty much just like Europe. But they like Americans there, and they totally don't like Iran, so it's cool. They're not really into the jihad craze yet (except the terrorists). It's like the 1950s or something. They're kinda square, you know, but the taxi drivers won't yell at you for being a Capitalist Imperialist Oppressor when they pick you up from the airport so it's nicer than France. Actually, France just elected a Capitalist Imperialist Oppressor government, so I guess you can go there again even if Cheney starts going crazy.
Q: Ah, Sarkozy is definitely my favorite Capitalist Imperialist Oppressor crush, at least until January 2009. A: Yeah, but he's totally gay. And French. Dude doesn't even wear a shirt half the time, so you can just imagine what he thinks about the new miniskirts.