'Round these parts, Wednesdays are special. Because that's when we play Midweek Madness, America's fastest growing tabloid sensation. This week, we're craving a hot hunk 'o meaty gossip. On the menu? Fights, plastic surgery, addiction and fatherless babes! After the jump, we check the new issues of OK!, Life & Style, Us, Star and In Touch for USDA beef.

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Us
"Revenge Plastic Surgery," the cover cries. Heidi Montag spills: She got a nose job and breast implants. Six pages are dedicated to the fact that, when she was younger, she was "tormented" for being flat-chested and having a "huge" nose. She researched ideal breasts in issues of Playboy; Spencer was sweet to her while she recuperated, although "it was a while" before they could have sex. Heidi doesn't know if she'll do another season of The Hills because she wants to focus on her singing. Yeah, our head just exploded too. Also inside: A chart detailing the ways Angelina Jolie has contradicted herself in interviews; Jennifer Lopez denies she's pregnant; Pink and Carey Hart may be getting a divorce; Britney Spears' bodyguard says she keeps a book called "My New Friends Photo Album" and updates it constantly because she is so lonely (also, Britney is romantically obsessed with Ryan Phillippe and George Clooney); photographs from inside Gwyneth Paltrow's Hamptons home, complete with yoga/pilates studio.
Grade: C- (kinda-dry meatloaf)

Life & Style
"Their Battle With Addiction," an "exclusive." Angelina gave an interview to Cosmopolitan UK and said "I've done just about every drug possible — coke, heroin, Ecstasy, LSD, everything." L&S takes this to mean once a druggie, always a druggie, and mentions how she had a glass of wine in France and has an L.A.-based addiction counselor whom she hasn't had a chance to see in the last 14 months. Downward spiral! As for Britney, she's depressed, babbles in a mystery language, has temper tantrums and is a shopaholic in addition to freaking out over the random drug and alcohol treatments mandated by the judge. Oy. Also inside: Why Lauren Conrad is partying so hard (MTV wants her to); Cameron Diaz and surfer Kelly Slater were seen snuggling; Lindsay Lohan might buy a house in Utah because "it's a great place to be sober!" and she loves snow, according to a source. Snort! Owen Wilson's just-finished dream house is "green" but he was hoping to live there with Kate Hudson; Jennifer Aniston may have had Botox and facial fillers for an "age-defying" new look.
Grade: D+ (boiled hot dog)

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OK!
"Life Without Daddy," sobs the cover. Bridget Moynahan posed for some really pretty pictures with her new baby, John. But we couldn't bear to read the 5-page story (no interview with Bridget, just quotes from sources, like, "The pounds just seem to be dropping off!" Ugh!). Also inside: Nick Lachey may propose to Vanessa Minnillo and she might be pregnant; Kate Hudson told friends she wants to marry Dax Shepard; American Idol alum Katherine McPhee, 23, is engaged to actor Nick Cokas, 42; a two-page interview with Rihanna, who thinks Britney can make a comeback; "Is Britney Hitting Her Kids?" — in a word, no; hard work, a personal trainer, a "bleak" diet and tons of willpower helped Mariah Carey lose 25 pounds; Jennifer Lopez celebrates 5 years of Glow perfume with an interview; a reader submitted a photo of herself and two Zulu tribesmen reading OK! in South Africa.
Grade: D (bologna)

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Star
"Tom & Katie's Big Blow-Up!" is about how Katie Holmes wanted to go to Fashion Week in New York with Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham and Tom Cruise said no. Also, Tom has criticized the way Katie was holding 17-month old daughter Suri. While he is filming in Germany, Katie is only allowed to go as far as Paris, where she took a "solo stroll" and felt lonely. But Katie has a plan to make friends: She's gonna start a book club. Think Dianetics is on the agenda? Also inside: When David Beckham was 13, he stayed with a Mexican family in Texas while playing in a youth soccer tournament. Star has an interview with the family! "Davie was a wonderful boy with very good manners." Wow. Plus: Now that Christina Aguilera is pregnant, she is no longer a total bitch; actor Dylan McDermott and wife Shiva Rose are calling it quits after 12 years of marriage; Owen Wilson may take a "sober trip" to a Native American sweat lodge in Arizona to rid himself of toxins and then do yoga therapy, hypnosis and a rebaptism in a river; Mary-Kate Olsen is crazy about her new man, Hunter Parrish, from Weeds; Lindsay Lohan is drinking and drugging in rehab — combining diet pill Fastin with anti-anxiety pill Xanax and sneaking vodka in water bottles, and she's already moved on to a new guy; Angelina Jolie slept with Timothy Hutton... in 1997; an interview with Heidi Montag's "real dad," Bill Montag, who is a Christian cowboy model on the cover of the Fall 2007 Drysdales catalog; "Losers In Love," a story about the ladies who can't seem to keep a man: Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Lauren Conrad, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Penélope Cruz, Pam Anderson, Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Aniston. Tragic!
Grade: B- (relatively juicy burger)

In Touch
"Their Fight Becomes Public," swears the cover. Inside, Angelina "blows up at Brad." They were all smiles on the red carpet but "as soon as the cameras were off, she just shut down and looked very angry," says a source. No real reason is given, and yet this story is four pages long with 3 sidebars. Also inside: Lindsay's leaving rehab in mid-October — she'll serve her one day in jail and then film a movie for two weeks (if you'll recall, last week's Star claimed she would be there another two months); Katie Holmes still hasn't sent out thank-you notes even though her wedding was a year ago; Madonna won't be able to adopt the baby African girl, Mercy, because Mercy's family says so; a list of Hollywood's top ten nastiest custody battles, from David Hasselhoff to Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards.
Grade: C (salty beef jerky)