There are two things that get us really cranky, [Hah. -Ed], one being Vogue, and the other being the fact that every industry in the American economy that once valued skill and talent and labor today prizes above all narcissism, repetition, and the ability to capitalize on consumers' most pointless insecurities and instincts to conform, and without further ado ladies and gentlemen, celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe. Okay, anyway, so basically, we thought those things were the same thing, until Rachel Zoe told the New York Times Magazine she was "more influential" than Anna Wintour, and Anna Wintour basically agreed with her, both by opaquely admitting she was a shitty stylist in an essay and less-opaquely allowing Zoe to exercise her influence by styling a Teen Vogue intern in an attempt to make her the next Teen Vogue intern.

So in a bloodless coup, which is to say, bloodless if you don't count the blood of thousands of tiny woodland creatures, Rachel Zoe has become the new Anna Wintour, and in honor of it we decided to read the whole fucking profile of her, and here's what we learned:

  • She only drinks Starbucks, even when she is in France, because she is patriotic that way, which is to say in the way patriots tend to be completely retarded.
  • She uses two cups for her Starbucks iced tea, because she hates the environment and does not like to remember what happens when climate changes force water to change phases.
  • She the term "bananies," which we assume denotes the new "bananas."
  • She no longer speaks with Nicole Richie.
  • Nicole Kidman is a really horrible person who should be shot.
  • She has a branding guru who may be an even bigger douchebag than she is who publicly doubts her ability to revive the brand Halston. "They've tried to revive that brand before, and it hasn't worked. Sometimes the universe gives us a signal."

Yeah, such as: DO NOT WANT.

Being Rachel Zoe [NY Times]