In just four days, Osama Bin Laden is going to interrupt Fashion Week to address the nation, which reminded me of a personal obsession of mine: imagining how I would cope if the terrorists really won and America became an Islamic theocracy. I actually think about this every time I have sex — specifically I think, "If America was an Islamic theocracy, or a Christian theocracy because the Christians took up arms and turned out to have better ones, and one of them made some rule that I had to marry this person or, like, be burned at the stake, could I deal with that?" And, like, usually I figure "yes," because I'm easy, and because I heard that in Iran you can drink alcohol as long as you keep it in the house, and I'm pretty sure alcohol is essential to soothing an ill-advised marriage, although I hear they use opium in Afghanistan and "rampant wealth" to the same effect in Saudi Arabia. There are other concerns: R. Kelly would probably be banned, and L'il Wayne, but what of Fashion Week? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad? We decided to poll our friends.
Tracie said her first concern was "eating something fattening" like "chipotle dipped bacon." Yum! Pillhead said "getting raped." "Reading books that aren't Koran" was the first thought of our pervy brother at Fleshbot. (Heh, "books." A weekly celeb mag editor who listed "vaguely, less freedom?" as his primary concern added the thought: "Osama Bin Laden's extreme fundamentalist makeover has been on my mind today. His decision to dye his beard has provided a silly but fascinating human interest angle-I can't wait for his Just For Men ad. While he's at, how about less anthrax and more botox?" Meanwhile in the realm of our most truly substantial, dignified friends, my roommate simply typed "BURKA BURKA BURKA," and then something about how it would affect her hair, and a friend who's gotten five girls pregnant said, "Oh, God. The STENCH. Those people use goat dick for deodorant, don't they?"