The first one came in last Wednesday. It was followed by another on Saturday, then another on Monday. And when the fourth food-porn catalog came in yesterday, it finally hit me: the stuff-your-face-with-food season has officially begun! No matter that Halloween is 47 days away or that the difference between now and Thanksgiving is a good 40 degrees (at least in the Northeast United States). It's time to fuck all the fresh fish and salads of summer and get down to the business of calorie-laden autumn eatin'. After the jump, a wish list of all the tasty (and somewhat expensive!) shit my massive stomach would love to handle, if not for, well, my meager bank account.

Harry & David: First of all, pears. Duh. (The Giant Royal Rivieras, $49.95) Then, some Moose Munch in a Party Drum ($39.95). The Pumpkin Spice Log ($39.95) looks like it would probably be nasty (too much cream-cheese icing) but I'd still try it. Same goes for these Christmas Tree Cheesecakes ($32.95). And oh shit, these Cinnamon Swirls ($26.95)? Yeah, I'd hit that. On a healthier note, the Super Fruit Buffet ($37.95) looks delectable. Tasty Shit: $227.70

I'm not as into the filled-pancake pan ($35.00) as the spiced apple-filled pancakes themselves. And Halloween caramel apples? Yum. ($16.50) Although aren't caramel apples usually a lot prettier to look at than to eat? No matter, I'll settle for the adorable, $15.00 Halloween truffles (owls! a ghost!) and mini iced cookies ($19.50). Tasty Shit: $86

Sur La Table: If I had a yard, lots of money (and knew how to, uh, cook), I'd consider this outdoor terra cotta oven ($2,000). But I'd settle for these adorable terra cotta chimenea votives...on sale! ($14.99). Yum, Italian lemonade? But I'd use this Italian lemonade jar ($69.95, plus $16.95 for metal stand) as a terrarium. Or these glass cloches ($64.85 for one of each size). Cute shopping totes! And last but not least, something for Halloween: A pumpkin cake, although the catalog doesn't sell it ready-made, only the pans ($27.95). Tasty Shit: $2,194.69

Sunnyland Farms: If you aren't getting this catalog, sign up right now. In addition to offering up the most amazing pecans ever to touch my tongue, the nut farm's print edition is the direct-mail highlight of fall: Owner Jane Willson sprinkles her pages with updates on her family, loyal employees, far-flung travels (the woman is in her 70s or even 80s and, this year alone, visited Africa and Tibet), and a fascinating step-by-step of how pecans are "made". She's a neat-sounding lady. Anyway here's what's on offer: Mammoth Pecan Halves (toasted and salted) in a 3lb. home box. ($38.15). Then, a 3-lb. box of Sugar 'N Spice Candied Pecan Halves ($39.85). A tin of half dark, half milk-chocolate pecan pralines ($28.40). Tasty Shit: $106.50

Total Tasty Shit: $2,614.89
Total Pounds Gained: Incalculable