You may notice something different about us today. No, not a haircut. See, in preparation for fashion week, we called a friend who has this friend who has a friend and we totally scored a tapeworm and slimmed down considerably. The good news is, we're still sharing all the delicious gossip from the weekly tabloids with you. But now that it's in more easily-digested portions, we don't have to stick a toothbrush down our throats and vomit afterward (and neither do you). After the jump, get a taste of what's in Star, Us, In Touch, OK! and Life & Style this week.

The cover claims that Brad and Angelina are "starting over." The story inside claims they "seemed to be on the verge of calling it quits" but are now trying to make it work. Since this is barely newsworthy, it's probably true. Also inside: "Vanishing Act": Jessica Alba, Sandra Bullock and Renee Zellweger are too thin. Patrick Dempsey is "McFlirty"; Salma Hayek may have secretly wed her baby daddy François-Henri Pinault; Amy Winehouse will be the musical guest on the season premiere of Saturday Night Live if she can keep her shit together; Spencer Pratt has told friends he has "no intention of marrying" Heidi Montag; Nicole Richie feels like planning a wedding is too stressful and is going to wait and give birth first; Owen Wilson's family and friends like Ben Stiller and Magic Johnson (?!) are rallying around him; Britney Spears is a twisted, "incredibly odd" "exhibionist" who loves walking around naked in front of the help, makes prank phone calls to Kevin Federline, dials girlie hotlines and pretends to be a lesbian and maybe has trichotillomania — she pulls out her hair and eyebrows .
Grade: B- (Juicy!)

The cover refers to the Rita Cosby book, which alleges that Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern were lovers who used Anna Nicole Smith for fame and fortune. Inside, the story is so fucking long, but basically Howard once said to Larry, "I will take care of you the way I took care of Anna." Cosby asserts that Anna wanted a blue-eyed blond-haired "sperm donor" and picked Birkhead because he was gay and there would be no emotional link. It's equally sordid and retarded. Also inside: Zac Efron speaks but has nothing interesting to say; Brad Pitt has asked his mother to accept Angie or lose him as a son; "Top 10 Wacky Kids' Hair" photo feature with celebspawn like Ryder Robinson, Jaden Smith, Bindi Irwin and Maddox Jolie-Pitt; an interview with Paris Hilton who "loves babies" and might name her unconceived child Paris Jr., says, "I would never get a boob job. I don't like fake boobs" and claims that Tinkerbell is "in the Hamptons" with her parents; "From Bony To Buff" photo feature with Hilary Duff, Kate Bosworth and Claire Danes going from emaciated to simply thin.
Grade: C (Bland.)

"Secrets From The Grave" crows the cover, and inside is all you never wanted to know about Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern, including a picture of them (with Anna) at L.A.'s Gay Pride parade after-party at West Hollywood gay club The Abbey. Ew. Also inside: Heath Ledger will continue to visit Michelle Williams in order to see their baby, Matilda; a "How Old Are Their Bodies" photo spread with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Vanessa Williams, Britney Spears, Madonna and Amy Winehouse — Jen, Vanessa and Madonna have younger body ages than real ages — the rest are older; "Are You Smarter Than A Celebrity" story which reveals that Joaquin Phoenix, Tobey Maguire and Johnny Depp had less schooling than Lindsay Lohan, Avril Lavigne and Jennifer Lopez, also Lauren Conrad is more educated than Scarlett Johanssen and Matthew McConaughey has a higher education than George Clooney. Feel free to take a break and ponder suicide. We'll wait.
Grade: C- (Tasteless.)

In Touch
Fat letters on the cover scream SCARY SKINNY. Inside, "Hollywood's Shrinking Again": Jessica Alba's thin frame is blamed on her break up with Cash Warren, Angelina Jolie just doesn't eat enough, Renee Zellweger is afraid of turning 40 (in 2 years) and Keira Knightley is just "naturally" gaunt. Up against that is a story on stars who are "winning their weight battles" like Janet Jackson, Kate Bosworth and Eva Longoria. Also inside: "Is Britney Bipolar?" She flushed her antidepressants down the toilet and is totally manic, says a source; Lindsay Lohan's having a romance in rehab with a dude from a band called Dead Stays Alive and they bond because they're both "artists"; Larry Birkhead claims the Rita Cosby book is "all lies" and he and Stern are considering suing.
Grade: C+ (Suprisingly tasty!)

Life & Style
"LIAR!" yells the cover. Oy. Inside, more Rita Cosby book spew. Larry Birkhead is a money-grubbing gay, Anna did drugs while she was pregnant and blamed Howard for Daniel's death. Whatevs. Also inside: Kevin Federline wants more of Britney's money; Heath Ledger moved out of the Brooklyn brownstone where he lived with Michelle Williams because "he missed the parties and his friends"; Kate Hudson feels guilty that she avoided Owen Wilson's phone calls right before his crisis; Brad Pitt's late-night phone buddy is Cate Blanchett; people who have new sexy smiles (thanks to cosmetic dentistry) include Zac Efron, Paris Hilton, Hilary Duff, LeAnn Rimes and Tom Cruise; the new "must-have bag" is Valentino's Maison top-handle calfskin tote with a pricetag of $2,295 — Victoria Beckham, Molly Sims and Katherine Heigl already have it.
Grade: D+ (Barely able to choke it down.)