When all 134 combined minutes of their time in the big house is served, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie will join Nelson Mandela, Frank Quattrone, Aung San Suu Kyi and countless others in the ranks of celebrities who have done time in our world's prisons. We think it is important to remember this elite fraternity of charismatic ex-cons on the days we might be tempted to cast judgment on our law-unabiding celebutards, which is why we decided to compile here a list of such celebrities, starting with Lindsay's own role model and fave author Niccolo Machiavelli, who wrote The Prince while serving several years in prison for conspiracy or something.
- Lindsay's brother in philosophy and Nicole's brother in blackness Tupac "Makaveli" Shakur read The Prince while serving eleven months without so much as being found guilty of butt sex.
- Abbie Hoffman served a year for posession of Lindsay's favorite study aid, though in all fairness he smelled a lot worse.
- Martha Stewart only felt it fair to gently chastise Lindsay after serving her own five months.
- John McCain served more than five years in the "Hanoi Hilton", which we think would be a great name for his fellow ex-con Paris's adopted Kabbalah-practicing celebuspawn, because he's just pretty unlucky.
- Mumia Abu-Jamal remains on Death Row for killing a cop and subsequently begetting the world's most obnoxious suburban white fanbase.
Okay, kids, you get the idea. Now it's time to add your own! Isn't Jeff Skilling in jail? And didn't ScarJo labelmate Mikhail Gorbachev serve time in a gulag or two? Tell us. It's an historic opportunity to highlight the harsh treatment accorded our brightest and most charismatic historic figures. And also: give yourself a better reason to drink excessively tonight than, you know, it's Friday duh. Drive safe!
** UPDATE: Yeah, we knew Scooter got off. There was a bit of a "premise change" about three quarters of the way through the construction of this post. Not that you give a shit . -The Management.