29-Year-Old Former Assistant Sells Million Dollar Script About Internet Datestalking

Emma Stone is reportedly in talks to star in a movie based on a screenplay about cyber datestalking written by a woman who, until last week, was Adam McKay’s personal assistant. The script’s called He’s Fuckin’ Perfect, and the writer is currently accepting applications for people interested in officially living vicariously through her.

The movie, like all movies, is about a good intentioned but overly neurotic young woman who just wants what’s best for her friends. She diligently researches men online for others until she finds a guy who would be just right for her. There’s one problem: she’s all neurotic and doesn’t think she’s good enough for him! To fix this, she creates a fake internet persona that totally doesn’t backfire. Things ensue!

The script’s writer, 29-year-old Lauryn Kahn, reportedly sold her script to Fox 2000 pictures for between $1 million and $1.5 million. After finding out that she could finally afford to buy all of the happiness she’s ever wanted, she quit her $40,000 per year assistant job to write scripts full time and be fanned by tan musclebound men who use only the finest palm fronds. In my imagination, Adam McKay is watching her wistfully as she waves goodbye. Goodbye, my love.

In fact, someone should write a neverending meta-rom com about this entire affair. The screenwriter is a clumsy perfectly dressed assistant with a perfect wardrobe and a great job who can’t do anything right when she gets her big break! Emma Stone, famous actress, is going to perform in a movie based on a script she’s written! The assistant quits her job and is confused by Adam McKay’s angry reaction. Turns out, Adam McKay was in love with the 29-year-old assistant/screenwriter and after a series of pratfalls he finally aw shucksily confesses this to her and then they get engaged, except then Kate Hudson is their meddling wedding planner with extra plans of her own until none other than Jennifer Motherfucking Lopez rolls into town and she’s got Matthew McConaughey with her. And wait! Is that Judy Greer, appearing to sidekick around like a pro!? Here comes Diane Keaton! She’s someone’s mom! This is going to be the greatest film of all time. Let’s just replace TBS with this.

Anyway, the moral of the story is: never let go of your idiotic dreams. A million other people might have the same dream, but maybe one day you’ll get lucky and the wheel of fortune will stop on you. Or you’ll get unlucky and be the first person in your state to die of dysentery since the 1940’s because of some expired cottage cheese you ate.