It was a day of victory for Republicans you've never heard of, and defeat for Republicans you know all too well. It was a day we spent entirely too much time trying to construct a sentence illustrating the similarities between Karl Rove's brazen disclosure of Valerie Plame's clandestine assignment and Spencer Pratt's — anonymous at first, then attributed, then creepily unabashed — outing of Lauren Conrad's "beef curtains." It was a day we waited and waited and waited and read Marie Claire and were finally issued a U.S. passport. It was a day we read:

  • Iowa's Republicans held some fair with Elvis impersonators and Mitt Romney bribed his way to victory whereas former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee came in #2 due to sheer undiluted randomness .
  • China is totally ahead of the game when it comes to equipping citizens with high-tech National ID cards with chips that can monitor their whereabouts, their reproductive schedules and their credit histories.
  • Though they may be behind the game when it comes to productive ways to deal with their corporate quality control mistakes.
  • The market was almost suspiciously jitter-free.
  • We wish we could say the same for the teenager who had the espresso overdose.
  • The U.S.-supported Ethiopian government in Somalia turns out be staffed by brutal war criminals.
  • Texas will execute its 400th prisoner since 1982 this month.
  • So who wants champagne?