The September issue of Teen Vogue celebrates what Time last week dubbed as China's rising "Me Generation" in a 10-page photo spread that could speak thousands upon thousands of words — if that was legal there! Sadly, the spread is almost completely devoid of text, so we consulted the Time piece, which basically goes to town quoting 23-year-olds saying shit like "I care about my rights when it comes to the quality of a waitress in a restaurant or a product I buy" — a real quote — and "I think all those students who protested on behalf of democracy at Tiananmen deserved to die for their stupidity" (a paraphrase). In honor, we attempt to caption the Teen Vogue spread in the imaginary words of model, Me Generation Member and apparent anorexic "Emma". Enjoy!

"See this wall? It was built to keep the mighty Mongolian steppe tribes from crossing the border into China and taking our jobs or our slaves or something. The government says we don't have to worry about Mongolians now that you can like barely see across the street because the smog is so thick. The Mongols would never know where they were going! But that's why we created pirated Photoshop. You can totes make the sky blue! We call it perpetuating natural standards of beauty. I totes do it in all my Myspace pix.

And speaking of crossing the border! This tie-dye T-shirt, size XXS, was imported from a factory in America where the CEO practices the ancient Chinese custom of taking concubines and pleasuring himself in front of them. Now that we have eating disorders here we aren't strong enough to work in factories like the Americans, except for the peasants who are totally fat. My earrings are from Tibet, where even dirtier fat rebellious peasants live, but the stylist said she would introduce me to Rachel Zoe if I wore them so whatevs.

Welcome to the hutong a traditional Chinese neighborhood. It's where the poor people live, but you don't see any in this picture because they all got evicted last month so no one who comes in for the Olympics will know we have gross fat poor people here. And see how I'm tilting? That's what all these old buildings are gonna do as soon as the bulldozer comes.