To be honest, I like most of you. Also honest: I hate myself. I hate myself so much more than I could ever hate any of you, because you generate 95% of the words on my posts, and yet I get 100% of the money that Nick Denton wires to me from his tax shelter in the Isle of Man to do this job. You're my sweatshop on the internet, my great all-volunteer army without the atrocities, and you make me proud to be American, and I only execute you today to prevent you from executing yourselves, like Vincent D'Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket. Anyway to make a long excuse short I don't have time to rigourously monitor your quality. Your quantity overwhelms me enough. Which is why I chose a most prolific member of your ranks, Memphis-based makeup artist BiscuitDoughJones, to make some recommendations for the pink slip list. Who is BiscuitDoughJones? We think she might actually be the post-Chapter 7 Washingtonienne, and she has a bone to pick with PetiteGal.
BiscuitDoughJones, a Louisiana native, is 24, lives in Memphis with "bathroom cupboards that look like the inside of Whitney and Bobby's drug den." Her real last name is food-related too (Bacon; she's the third cuz of Kevin!) but her real love is makeup. When asked to come up with some motivational words for the board meeting, she sent us this:
I love Make Up Forever shimmery shadows, but their concealer isn't fit to wipe my ass with. Maybelline mascara is the only way to go. It's cheap and it has the longest shelf-life of any kind I've road-tested. I kind of hate M.A.C., people who have no business using professional-grade makeup buy waaay too much shit they don't need from M.A.C. Cover Girl won't kill a bitch. Most important: No woman should be without really, really good makeup brushes. A good brush can do wonders with crappy product.
- No.no.notorious, I believe you mentioned once that you were in college. This might explain your rather complicated political views. And by "complicated" I mean "not fully-formed." While you drew attention to the salient fact that yes, Jennifer is both a fan of shoes and an critic of the president, you did not display the analytical skills necessary not to read my voice of dissent re Glamour as something other than unpatriotic.
- PetiteGal, Biscuit is right: you overpromote your own projects at the expense of actually reading our posts. Also, we have a company motto here at Jezebel. It goes: Skinny? Fuck you. Learn it, live it, etc.
- McBrick: Biscuit says you deserve a "proper burial," though the only reason we are willing to put you on the list is that you didn't get Knocked Up.
- KurticusMaximus: "Deliberately argumentative and obtuse" was BiscuitDough's explanation; we're more concerned about the Warped Tour. It is such a guy thing, btw, to defend a love of Bad Religion by saying "OMG he's a PhD." So is Father Bork. The real reason is that "Stranger Than Fiction" is a fun song; the end.