Fucking the rich is hot these days. Anne Hathaway does it, Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi's allegedly of a similar view, and a whole superinformative graphic in this month's W is dedicated to which billionaires are still available. And now comes Money with a guide to landing your very own tycoon. We took it upon ourselves to read the whole thing and take the accompanying quiz, "Are You The Right Match For A Billionaire?" We somehow scored a "You Might Well Be On Your Way!" score of 40 on this quiz, perhaps because none of the questions were: "For how many straight days in a row have you worn the T-shirt currently on your body?" or "When did you last employ dishes and/or silverware in the consumption of a meal?" or even "Did you shower today?" Because honestly, we don't think we're cut out for billionare boning, despite the fact that the longtime societal taboos against golddigging have been so mercifully erased and "Arm candy is now seen as déclassé." After the jump, a rundown of Money's rules to fucking wealthy — and how we probably can't follow them.
- The surefire way to fuck rich guys is to have an MBA, converse intelligently, move to a wealthy neighborhood and buy art — in other words, be rich yourself!
- Alternately, get a job at an antique shop, interior design studio ("specialize in mansions"), train race horses, sell luxury cars or real estate ("again, specialize in mansions"). Um, yeah, no.
- "Timeworn but still good: personal trainer or golf or tennis pro." So, coordination helps? Because we can barely play badminton.
- "'Pearls are 'too preppy,' Frazier says. 'Wear small diamond earrings.'" Well fuck that we ADORE our pearls.
- "Develop your own do-gooder project, such as a documentary on the environment, and take it around to charities, foundations and arts councils that might fund it. You may not meet a billionaire, but who knows, maybe you'll become the next Al Gore." Hahahahahaha more like the next Al Gore III.
So, the answer to the enduring mystery of why we always constantly seem to find ourselves bedding dudes who are even poorer than us, at last! How illuminating that was!