There was a rumor a few months ago that Eva Longoria — who, if you haven't heard, is getting married this weekend on what is said to be the luckiest day of the century (ugh) — was denying her French fiance, San Antonio Spur Tony Parker, sex until the two got married. Well, Eva debunked that, but let's pretend for the sake of this blog post that she didn't because, honestly, would you put it past her? [Can't you just see her, flashing her massive rock as she, ahem!, reminds the concierge that they booked SEPARATE rooms? Oh god, she is so annoying. -Ed.] ANYWAY, the point is, Eva may be in for a rude surprise when Tony lifts off her designer gown Saturday night at the chateau they rented south of Paris and puts an end to their period of agonizing chastity: French men kinda suck in bed!
Writing in today's Daily Mail about a sex poll that came out last week, the chastely-named Helena Frith Powell reports that "out of 26 countries polled, the only one below France in terms of sexual satisfaction was Japan." But Ms. Powell didn't let a simple poll do the job of promoting her thesis that French men are bad in bed: She also gave the power to the people, complaining about a former French beau (he spent 30 minutes clipping his nose hairs and dousing himself in aftershave before sex!) and quoting a female friend, who went even further in her assessments of the French way of lovemaking:
'French men are all show and no go,' says a Parisian friend of mine who is married to a Scot. 'All that elaborate hand-kissing and flirting is what they're really good at. But get them naked and they fall apart.'
Fall apart? Like, they weep or something? Lose their boners? Aren't there pills for that? Or will Eva be forced back into the sinewy arms of MARIO LOPEZ?
French Lovers? They Haven't Got A Clue-Seau [DailyMail]
Eva Longoria Dispels No-Sex Rumor [People]