When (well, if) America chooses a woman president next November, few traditionally male experiences will be unfamiliar to the fairer sex. We fight wars. We ejaculate. We even, on occasion, send emails regarding our emotional unavailability after a night of passion that involved a little too much cuddling. But no girl we have ever known pisses in the shower. Welcome to our very first installment of 'Inside the Minds Of Men,' wherein we send our youngest and, uh, fairest Jezebel editor, Jen, who doesn't so much as brush her teeth in the shower, to investigate the few remaining mysteries of manhood. She'll go to strip clubs and listen to Stern and hang out at the New York Stock Exchange and do all sorts of other crap that dudes do to retain their senses of whatever the fuck "manhood" is these days.
Apparently, there are three distinct categories of guys who squirt in the shower:
- Type I: The Pigs ("I do it all the time")
- Type II: The Liars ("I've done it, but, like, it's not something I do")
- Type III: The Publicity Whores ("Only at the gym, baby")
And as suspected, most men are Type I.
TYPE I: Scott, 29
Scott: Any guy who tells you he doesn't pee in the shower is lying to you. It's like masturbating. We all do it.
TYPE I: Eric, 26; with a cameo by Eric's Girlfriend, 23
Eric: nothing that happens to you in the shower can make you dirty. And any guy who tells you he doesn't pee in the shower is a liar. Who would get out of the shower to pee?!
JG: Is it a laziness thing? Why not get out of the shower to pee?
Eric: You'd drip water all over the bathroom. And there's NO WAY I'm holding it.
Eric's girlfriend: This is something i did not need to know.
JG: Is there technique involved?
Eric: Pee into the drain. Also, if you have a boner, it's easier to pee in the shower than in the toilet.
Eric's Girlfriend: This was more information that I did not need to know
JG: Is there anything special that needs to be done to ensure that you hit the drain? Do you rinse thoroughly afterward?
Eric: It's exactly like peeing in the toilet. And no, there is no rinsing. You're taking a fucking shower! Of course you're rinsing the tub out! There's water running constantly, with soap!!
Eric's Girlfriend: Apparently, Eric's mother once asked, while scuba diving, if it was okay to pee in the ocean, to which he replied, "Are you kidding me? I've peed like 3 times already."
TYPE I: Matt, 27
Matt: Did you seriously ask me if I pee in the shower? Yeah, of course I do. Everyone does. I don't understand why it's that interesting.
JG: I don't pee in the shower.
Matt: Ok, well...i t's supposed to prevent athlete's foot?
JG: No that's not true. Madonna made that up.
TYPE 1: Bruce, 35
Bruce: Haha — of course I do it! It's not a big deal because you can aim it right at the drain and away it goes, unless you have a clogged drain in which case it's gross.
JG: But why do it? Laziness? Boredom? Because you can?
Bruce: Laziness? Sure. Boredom? Sometimes. Because we can? Always. There's this strange pleasure from watching it fly (ahem) and the novelty of doing it the traditional way wears off long before our adolescent years. It's not quite as fun — or as big an achievement — as writing your name in the snow. But it's environmentally conscious, as you save the water from a flush.
TYPE I: Michael, 15 (reformed)
Michael: Oh yeah, I always used to pee in the shower. Always. But then my drain got clogged this once and it wasn't draining right... and once there was the back-up problem I stopped. And if it weren't for my broken drain, I'd be pissing in each shower I took.
TYPE I: Dan, 25
Dan: One of the most liberating things a man can do is pee in nature, the only thing that can come close is peeing in the shower. If a guy tells you he doesn't pee in the shower, then you are clearly being lied to and nothing he says should be trusted from that point on. Why do we do it, you ask? A better question might be— why wouldn't we do it? Why shouldn't we? The fact is, you're naked in an environment that is wholly private and relaxing, surrounded by not only the sound, but the feel of moving water. If that doesn't trigger something primal in you, I don't know what will. And so you don't feel bad letting loose (often hands-free) and aiming for the drain. And if there's any kickback, well, you're in the shower... worse things have happened.
Type II: Josh, 26
JG: Do you have any deep thoughts/shameless confessions on the topic of peeing in the shower? Namely, do you do it? Regularly? Why? Is there technique? And how fucking lazy do you have to be to not just go in the toilet?
Josh: I do it.
JG: Always? Sometimes?
Josh: Always? Yeah I only pee in the shower!
JG: This is serious, investigative journalism, thank you! Stop mocking!
Josh: Yup, if there's no shower, I can't pee. Okay no really, sometimes if I have to pee all of a sudden, I'll do it. But not really, otherwise.
JG: Um, I also have a urinary tract and I can't imagine it's that different than that of a male. And I have never just peed in the shower because of a sudden urge.
Josh: Yeah because for you it dribbles. I used to pee into the toilet from the shower, but I had to slump forward into my lumbar spine.
JG: Do you feel the need to clean the tub afterwards? Have you ever Lysol-ed the shower for a chick?
Josh: The most I ever touch the tub is with the soles of my feet. And re: cleaning for a chick, naw. Fuck dat noize.
TYPE II: Mike, 27
JG: Do you pee in the shower?
Mike: No. I don't. But I can pretend if you want.
Mike: I mean I have. I just don't regularly
JG: Well, what is the motivation behind peeing in the shower?
Mike: Mostly sheer laziness... like if it comes by surprise and you just don't want to get out.
JG: Is there technique involved?
Mike: Generally you try to avoid your lower extremities... sometimes the streams get crossed you don't know where its going though. It's kind of like Ghostbusters. Sometimes you have to do a little two-step to get out of the strike zone
JG: Right but how fucking lazy do you have to be to not do it in the toilet? Girls are lazy. But we don't pee in the shower.
Mike: Let's remember some guys don't even shower regularly... we are talking about another level of laziness. Also you have to figure in drunk showering. I bet peeing rates skyrocket while drinking.
JG: Okay, now we're talking. But who showers drunk?
TYPE II: Ryan, 25
Ryan: No, I don't really pee in the shower. Only when I'm hungover. But really, not even that often then. I went through a phase once, though, of doing it, and then stopped.
JG: When? What happened?
Ryan: I was in 2nd grade. It was the late 80's and I lived in Southern California and we were having a drought and they came to our school to talk about how important it was to conserve water. So I decided in my head I could conserve water if I didn't flush the toilet, and did all my peeing in the shower. I thought it was a great conservation idea. But then I stopped.
JG: Why did you stop?
Ryan: I was in the 2nd grade! I forgot that I had told myself I would do it. It probably lasted a week, tops.
Type III: Jonathan, 19
JG; Jonathan, do you have 10 minutes? Can I ask you a question?
Jonathan: Dude, I'm at Bonnaroo!
JG: Okay, but do you pee in the shower?
Jonathan: Whoah — what did you just ask me? Can I answer this when I'm home from Bonnaroo? I seriously can't believe you just asked me that.
the next day...
Jonathan: I only pee in the shower at the gym. It'd be nasty to pee in my own shower. That's gross.
JG: But you do it at the gym?
Jonathan: Oh, yeah. It's like that episode of Seinfeld. I'm George.
JG: Well, what's the difference?
Jonathan: At the gym, it's not my shower.
TYPE III: Alex, 25:
JG: So what's the deal with guys peeing in the shower? Do you pee in the shower?
Alex: Only at the gym. Only at the gym.