Once a week, our friend Slut Machine (link NSFW) presents her take on the week's girlie gabfests. Inside: Barbara Walters talks about her cruise-ship experience with Judge Judy. (Cruise ships? Ugh. Didn't they read that Harper's piece by David Foster Wallace?); Tyra trills over lesbian sex; and Oprah's "friend" loses a tampon. Plus, after the jump, see stills and commentary on the week's other best bits.

One of the best Tyra episodes this week was when she interviewed families raising conjoined twins. And even though it was a whole show packed with biological anomalies, the biggest freak of all was Tyra, natch. One of the guests was a Spanish-speaking woman, and although they had a translator on the couch, Tyra insisted on speaking pigeon Spanish to her, going into an elaborate explanation of why she can speak more than one language. Typical Tyra—always turning the interview back on herself.

As for Oprah, well, the woman loves her regulars. You know, first it was Dr. Phil, then Nate Berkus, Dr. Robin Smith, and of course, our favorite shit talker, Dr. Oz.

Dr. Oz was on to talk about poop for the third time this year. This time they were discussing color more than shape. Although they did get into the shape issue. Turns out that s-shaped is the best, but comma-shaped crap is cool, too.

Speaking of, I almost made and exclamation-shaped poop in my pants when I saw that Judge Judy was on The View this week.

OK, I know this is like incredibly faggy of me, but what I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall of that cruise Babs took with Judy and the New York Post's Cindy Adams. Seriously, and here I was thinking that Rosie's "R Family" was the gayest cruise ship you could go on. Wrong!

The View also did a little summer fashion service-y segment of cheap shoes.

I know that they meant "inexpensive" shoes, but "cheap: certainly works a lot better. Check out the latest innovation in footwear:

Church key soles. Am I the only one grossed out by the concept of taking the bottom of my shoe to the mouth of my bottle? This one is even more bizarre:

I know that this is supposed to function so that you don't have to carry around a wallet or a purse with you, but for real, think about the situations in which one would need a single key, a rolled up dollar bill and a credit card/form of I.D. That shoe is one baggie and syringe away from being the awesomest, police-eluding drug kit.