*Inspired by Shirley MacLaine's assertion that the best parts for actresses fall into one of the above categories.

Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon has just signed on for a remake of the 1930s film Midnight, which concerns "a destitute young woman in Paris who becomes a pawn when a wealthy man tires to get rid of the gigolo wooing his wife" reports Variety. No doubt there'll be some crying in this one, but we're sure Reese will look cute doing it! In other victim-related casting news, the adorable Zooey Deschanel will appear with Mark Wahlberg in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening, in which she'll play the wife of a man "who takes his family on the run when an apocalyptical natural crisis threatens to end civilization." Ooh, crying and screaming in a lead female role? Whatever will they think of next?

Witherspoon To Star In 'Midnight' [Variety]
Deschanel To Star In 'Happening' [Variety]