You know your 5th grade frenemy? The girl who acted like you were totally BFF's, but was actually using be the butt of her jokes? Welcome to your present-day relationship with DailyCandy, which totally thinks you're retarded enough to idolize Lindsay Lohan's style, be one of the organic hippie freaks, and have nothing better to do than pick up paper bags with your mouth on a Friday night (no, seriously). More on today's tips that reveal how much DailyCandy thinks you're really, really pathetic and easily impressionable, after the jump.

DailyCandy Boston thinks you're a Lohan wannabe and that all you want in life is to sport a poseur fedora. (Yup, that's how much DailyCandy really hates you.)

DailyCandy Chicago wants you to know that everyone ‚ÄĒ and we mean everyone ‚ÄĒ will hate you if you try to better your eating habits or go organic.

DailyCandy Dallas thinks you need to stop living in denial about how much your life sucks, and that you need to hire a dream interpreter to tell you so.

DailyCandy Los Angeles thinks you're desperate enough to be satiated by a few bad (and we do mean bad, not bad-ass) party game suggestions.


DailyCandy New York thinks you're either a hipster posing as prepster or a prepster posing as a hipster. Either way, we're insulted... and will not be yachting any time soon.

DailyCandy Philadelphia thinks you're a fatty and a glutton and suggests you hang your head and shame and binge on spoon after spoonful of honey.