Welcome to Midweek Madness, our Wednesday roundup of the antics of the rich and rehabulous. In which we "read" the celebrity tabs. So you don't "have" to.
-Reports that, while performing in Miami, Britney Spears stopped at the South Beach Guess, "where she bought $69 denim shorts with suspenders." Omigod so cute!
-Reminds us of the existence of Lisa Rinna, and that Playboy did a spread on her while she was pregnant.
-Provides a tasteful retrospective of Janet Jackson's midriff through the ages and the quote "If I can do it, anybody can do it. I hate working out, but [my personal trainer] makes it fun."
-Does something to Kate Hudson's "worst" bikini stomach that makes it look like Moses is parting seas down there or something.
-Devotes a colossal, Atlantic-esque amount of text to Jessica Biel-Justin Timberlake romance. (She "laughs at all his jokes" and "gets him to slow down and smell the roses" and "calms him down" and really likes the diamond earrings he bought her. God she sounds riveting!)
-Runs something about Jamie Lynn Spears being caught in the middle between older sister Britney and the totally batshit mother who thinks she should go back to rehab.
Life & Style
-Runs a picture of Tyra Banks that is so old it doesn't qualify for life insurance.
-Features a preposterously unflattering picture of Beyonce on page 20, juxtaposed with a feature on "jeans for every body type!" Sadists!
In Touch Weekly
-Reports that Britney Spears' behavior at L.A. club Les Deux "was erratic" and that the singer would "alternate from staring into space to dancing around" while talking with Ryan Phillippe, who does not, apparently, particularly want to bang her.
-Extends Angelina "maybe I'll have more kids through my vagina" story for the nineteenth week in a row, wonders if the 24-inch waist means she's too skinny to make a zygote, to which we say: Skinnier chicks give birth in the Third World everyday! Check out her kids' biological moms! It's just all part of Angie's plans to make all the Jolie-Pitts feel like citizens of the same global village. Before you know it Brad will be, like, five inches shorter!
This Week's Winner: US. (If only because of its superior prose).