Welcome to Midweek Madness, our all day IV drip of celebritabloidology. In which we "read" Star and Us Weekly and all that other shit. So you don't "have" to.
To our overwhelming chagrin, none of the weekly tabloids devote their covers to Lindsay "crams coke up her friends' noses" Lohan, presumably because — and we find this baffling — they can't seem to get anything else on her, except that some cop found coke residue on her friend's hotel key and that she ordered a $400 breakfast at the Coachella Valley Music Festival, which she presumably did not eat but probably commented liberally upon on in a video that will invariably turn up on TMZ ("Check out this fucking truffle omelet. This fucking truffle omelet fucking tears Scarlett's truffle omelet a fucking NEW ASSHOLE.")
Okay, where were we? Oh yes, the sort of news you can really use. Paris's 45-day jail sentence is all over the tabs, with both Star and Life & Style displaying their facility with the English language by claiming "exclusive" interviews with her. Other awesome uses of the English language include:
Angelina giving that Unfaithful dude a "sexy lap dance" at a premiere, according to a "source," which we realized, after consulting our Oxford English Dictionaries, actually means that she had her vagina in his face. Holy shit! But then, later in the same story, Star says Angie has decided not to "rule out marriage" and by the end of the story the magazine is referring to her and Brad Pitt as "man and wife"! But then editor Candace Trunzo's welcome letter — and from the looks of her she has no business calling Jessica Simpson "frumpy" four gazillion times! — calls them "unmarried with children." So confusing, right?
The tabs are yet again still undecided about the fate of Brangelina. While everyone agrees that the two appear to be enjoying themselves at a restaurant in Prague on May 2, Us is less sanguine than Star about the implications of sighting, offering only that Angie is spending more time with the kids. Life & Style hauls in the body language experts to offer such sage observations as "They're not walking in step" and In Touch actually suggests Angelina's new "M" tattoo on her hand stands NOT for her mother Marcheline Bertrand but foxy Unfaithful dude Oliver Martinez!!
"Rocker" boyfriends are the tabloid theme of the week, with Britney's realllly classy new boyfriend Howie Day — Accused of locking a groupie in his tour bus bathroom when she wouldn't do him! And that's a tour bus bathroom that has seen DUDE TURDS!! Cruel and unusual!!! — getting written up in all four mags and an alleged "war" between Jessica Simpson boyfriend John Mayer and Ashlee Simpson boyfriend Pete Wentz heating up page 16 of Star. This confounds us, because we have loved John Mayer ever since his appearance on Chappelle's Show and we have loved Pete Wentz ever since paying homage to his guyliner video outside his bar last week so we kind of want to believe that the two of them dating the most vapid sisters in the celebrosphere is, like, some big joke a la Trading Places somehow. Howie, on the other hand, is not doing it for us, which is shocking since we usually RELATE SO MUCH to Britney Spears' taste in everything, but, as a "friend" of the whiny singer-songwriter tells Star this week: "People have told Britney point-blank this guy has a permanent barstool in the Losers Lounge."
No kidding. He's planted there every Wednesday when we stumble in with these fucking magazines and he's never even paid for our Wild Turkey!