Reading Frank Rich's Cancer-Katie-Backlash-Backlash-to-the-Backlash weigh-inElizabeth Edwards For President on Sunday reminded us that one of the reasons our mom was wooed by, ha ha, the "compassionate conservative" in 2000 (yeah, this would be the Jezzy who hails from Virginia speaking) was because she had been so turned off by Hillary and Laura seemed so, well, uh, subtle in contrast. By the time 2004 came along, our mom was solidly (and contritely) in the Kerry camp, though she worried — and we wondered why! — that Terezzza and her "special sauce" would fuck things up. So now comes Hillary's turn at the plate, and we were sitting here wondering how the fuck the Dems could think someone so villified in even remotely reddish America could win when her much-cuter hubby never won a majority of the vote, when our mom says, "Oh man, but I'd do anything to get Bill back in the White House.

Bill, for whom she never voted!

The moral of the story is that we are not really electing candidates anymore, we are electing the person they used to have sex with. After the jump, we assess the First Lady candidates out there who are actually ladies, and whether they can out-spouse Bill.…

Elizabeth Edwards is totes in the lead. She's dying, she's not too pretty to be FL, as Michelle might be for a few years yet, and she's just sort of earthy, like Penelope Cruz in Volver but like, moreso even. Howard Stern disapproves, but yeah whatever.

You knew Cindy McCain was a pillhead — but did you know she was also a stroke survivor and also an adopter of impoverished Asian children? Yeah, but then there's that hair.

Judi Giuliani is like a meeting of the Natasha Lyonne of First Spousal candidates (in that she probably hurts animals) and the Anna Nicole Smith of First Spousal candidates (in that she is a social climber and possessing of a weird pre-life life, replete with first husband no one knows about and accusations that all she was interested in was social climbing). On top of this, Rudy would like her to sit in on his cabinet meetings and run health care policy. Not a chance.

Michelle Obama's probs boil down to this: she's too rich, and too thin, and she keeps referring to Barack as "the brother," suggesting that she is either trying too hard to make him seem black, and/or they do not have sex anymore, which they don't, of course, but she's not supposed to sell him out to the public like that, even though she already did by claiming she was only letting him run for President so he would quit smoking, which sounds a little sadistic to us, so wait a second, maybe they actually are having sex and it's just some incest-humiliation role playing that's going on.. Anyway, her riches might have a little to do with a company she works with that has ties to Wal-Mart blah blah they're not killing puppies no one cares. You can read more about her almost sickeningly inspiring rags-to-riches story here.

Ann Romney met Mitt Romney — haven't heard of him? Fear not, he's raised more money than God! — in, like, kindergarten or something, which is kind of weird even if they are both Mormon, but the extensive ">photo album the Boston Globe published of her appearances in lieu of getting her to give them an actual interview, she will make a great First Lady. Why? She appears to be one of those gals who gains weight in her face, thus amplifying the effects of a little PMS chocolate (sometimes she looks like hell) or a two-day juice fast (almost MILF-like!!) and appealing directly to the public's insatiable appetite for celebrity weight loss fluctuations JUST IN TIME for the opening of Washington bureau!


Also has multiple sclerosis, and allegedly, a sense of humor. Kisses, Ann! Trust us, if yo-yoing works for Oprah and Renee Z., it'll work for you too!