As far as I’m concerned, one of the last remaining reliable sources of joy on this planet is The Daily Mail’s continued practice of selective capitalization in its headlines. You’ll be reading and all of a sudden, the Mail is shrieking “PENIS” in your eyes, as if your eyes wouldn’t have been drawn to the genitals if they had been printed normally (maybe it’s just me).
Every year, I collect my favorite examples of this stylistic choice for a retrospective post. This year, I collected enough to organize the post from A to Z. I hope you enjoy my amusement.
A is for ALIEN, who’s in no place to give advice.
B is for BRAS, the meal you eat twice.
C is for CENTIPEDE, a bug with cunning agility.
D is for DEVIL, who cures Catholic responsibility.
E is for EGGS, which make prostate stimulation intense.
F is for FARTING, a fireable offense.
G is for GODSISTER, a rude second option.
H is for HERPES, in your French-onion concoction.
I is for INGROWN HAIR, which can fuck you up something absurd.
J is for JUUL, which is spelled using all caps anyway, I just needed a J-word.
K is for KILL CODE, which I think might end cancer?
L is for LAP DANCES, which you can take out of the lap but not the dancer.
M is for MILK, the fruit of a man.
N is for NOT—hold it as long as you can.
O is for OBESE, through the air it sails.
P is for POOPING BUTT, which hangs from your nails.
Q is for QUEEN, who we all quite admire.
R is for ROAST CHICKENS, this mule should retire.
S is for SHE-SHED, your own private getaway.
T is for TEARS, which are quite popular these days.
U is for URINE, a miracle drug.
V is for VEGAN, who has more reason to be smug.
W is for WORMHOLES, a reason to live.
X is for X-RAY, because of course it is.
Y is for YOU, monkey do, monkey see.
Z is for ZERO, I can’t believe we made it to Z!
Okay, now I’m exhausted. Here are some more headlines that made me laugh and/or wince. Happy New Year.