2013 Is Over, So Let's Never Hear These Crappy Songs Ever Again

Well, thank goodness. 2013 is finally O-V-E-R. (Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, 2013!). We can finally start to find the reasons to hate 2014 for all the unholy crap it’s about to unleash on us over the next 12 months.

But before we start doing that, why don’t we take this opportunity to bid farewell to some of the things that caused us the most ire (at least, judging by your Internet comments) in 2013—the Godawful shit music this year wrought upon our society. So, one by one, let us say goodbye once and for all to the shitty songs we had shoved down our collective throats over the past year.

“Suit and Tie”, Justin Timberlake

I once got into a heated debate about how good this song was with another person on this blog that rivaled the ballistic missile treaties. When this came out in February, I actually insisted this was a good song, y’all. I now see now the error of my ways and rightfully apologize for having my Justin Timberlake-is-so-freaking-cute-in-a-tuxedo blinders on.

“I Hit It First,” Ray J

Oh dude. No. No no no no no no NOOOOOO. I know what it’s like. We all can’t stand the sexual motorcycle-mounting, purse-painting juggernaut that is Kimye. They grate on all of America, OK? I get it, man. But writing a song about how umm….you “made love” (I AM USING A VERY LAX TRANSLATION OF HIS LYRICS HERE OK) to the mother of little Seaweed West first is not the way we handle our discontentment with a bad breakup. Try taking a pottery class or joining eHarmony. Anything but writing a song that includes the lyrics “I had her head going north and her ass going south, but now baby chose to go West.” ALL THE CRINGING UGH. Let us never, ever speak of this song again, Ray J. You have better work in you. I feel you could be responsible for the next Brigadoon. If only you applied yourself.

“Applause,” Lady Gaga

*SIGH* Oh, I don’t even know what to say about this mess of a song here. Insert joke at the expense of pop star, I guess.

“Wake Me Up,” Avicii

Don’t worry, Avicii. I promise to let you rest like Sleeping Beauty in 2014 if you promise to stop putting out music like this. Oh and please proceed to leave angry comments about my lack of understanding of a guy who makes glorified mix tapes using his iMac. I’m ready. #comeatmebro

“Let Me Go,” Avril Lavigne ft. Chad Kroeger

JESUS CHRIST WHY DOES THIS EXIST. KILL IT. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

“Can’t Stop”/”Wrecking Ball,” Miley Cyrus

Of course she made the list with two songs. In 2013 we had more Miley Cyrus than we could shake a racially-appropriated stick at, and yet she just kept coming back for more, y’all! I can’t tell which is a worse song, “Can’t Stop” or “Wrecking Ball.” It’s like comparing that time I broke a tooth and couldn’t find a dentist to see me for two days with that time I was forced to sit through Chevy Chase in Funny Farm. Both are equal demonstrations of pain-inducing torture. Let’s make a friendly pact now that neither of these songs will ever, ever be played again by those of us who for some reason felt the need to purchase and download these two equally crappy songs onto our personal iTunes players. Seriously, I don’t know what goes through my head when I’m in the iTunes store sometimes.

Harlem Shake, Baauer

It was the song that launched a thousand meme-able knockoffs and dry-humped your sanity for two months. Not only was it a shitty fad you had to hear your parents talk about as this “new, cool thing,” it also “borrowed” samples from other musicians without properly acknowledging them. But it seems like we already sort of forgot about it, so I guess chalk this one up to the win column.

“Chinese Food,” Some Asshole Who Should Be Shunned Forever Alison Gold

Racist and painfully grating. Nice. Let’s make sure in 2014 no one ever ever ever ever mentions this shitfest ever again. We owe it to this new year. It’s shiny and new and no one has their dirty fingerprints all over it so far. Let’s try and keep it that way, at least until the onslaught of the 2014 Song of the Summer hype is upon us, OK?

“Blurred Lines,” Robin Thicke

What more can be said about a song that has lyrics so uncomfortably gross they parallel the threats of rapists? I won’t even bring up how the singer thinks this song is a “feminist movement.” People said this was a hard song to get out of their heads. Yeah, I couldn’t get this song out of my head either! That is why I spent much of 2013 desperately looking for a sharp object to stab myself in the brain with, so that I would finally end my misery. Anything would have done the trick—a blunt pencil or sharp knife, or possibly one of those nasty brain eating slugs from Star Trek II:Wrath of Khan. Either way, in 2014, please don’t make me go through all that again.

Accidental Racist, Brad Paisley and L.L. Cool J

Folks. I will just let the lyrics speak for themselves here:

I’m just a white man comin’ to you from the southland
Tryin’ to understand what it’s like not to be
I’m proud of where I’m from but not everything we’ve done
And it ain’t like you and me can re-write history
Our generation didn’t start this nation
We’re still pickin’ up the pieces, walkin’ on eggshells, fightin’ over yesterday
And caught between southern pride and southern blame

If 2014 could do me a solid and make sure we don’t have any more delusional Brad Paisley songs coming down the pipe, that would be just fantastic.

So, that’s it for my list of the most insufferable songs that need to GTFO in 2014. Feel free to offer yours below, or just move right along to deleting these off your iTunes forever.