Fact: Unless Ricky Gervais is hosting, awards ceremonies are boring. But the red carpet arrivals can be rather fun! So grab your appeteasers and white zinfandel, and let's get this glittery dog and pony show on the road.
For straight-up fashion ogling, check out our continually updated gallery.
5:45 pm Just turned on the television to catch the E! pre-show (which, technically, would be the pre-pre-show) and Giuliana is wearing a dress that is very…big. Perhaps too big, a bit too billowy for someone who is, y'know, not even actually attending the ceremony. She's dressed like a nominee! Don't outshine the nominees! It just gives A-listers another reason to be annoyed with her.
Kelly Osbourne, meanwhile, looks amazing. To quote the great Martin Lawrence: Damn, Gina.
5:48 pm So it's 2:48 pm in LA. What time do you think Giuliana gets dressed on a day like today? I'll put the over-under at 9am.
6:00pm The E! smorgasbord begins in earnest, complete with some sort of quick-cut montage that is making me a bit dizzy.
6:02 pm First up, Jennifer Lawrence — Seacrest pulls her in by physically touching her. Is that allowed? Where are her handlers?
Kelly and Giuliana are gushing about Jennifer's red column dress. Kinda wish it was just Kelly.
6:06 Giuliana is suggesting baby names for Natalie Portman. Like Babylon. She's said "bump" 3 times in 3 minutes.
6:07 Isn't Kelly the spokesperson for St. Tropez? Because Giuliana stole that show.
6:12 Melissa Leo is roped in. Seacrest: "Tell me about your dress. Because I can see myself in it." He's talking about the mirrored embellishments on her gown, but I prefer to read more into it.
6:14 Mila Kunis looks hot. Gorgeous gown, though the wispy fabric along her boobs is almost too sheer — i.e., not a lot of color, such that it looks like she's got 6 nip-slips going at once.
6:17 Armie Hammer. Arm and Hammer. And now I'm thinking of the rotting broccoli in my fridge.
6:19 Why is Daphne Zuniga there?
6:23 Hailee Steinfeld looks adorable! Marchesa! So grown up. She's handling Seacrest very well.
As an aside, these first 25 minutes have been low on the Giuliana. From a sanity perspective, I like this. From a shitshow entertainment perspective, I'm a bit disappointed. Wondering if the network (or the Academy) has officially banned her from the red carpet?
6:26 Quick shot of Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips reveals hand-holding.
6:28 Mila and Seacrest have the obligatory "I Starved Myself For Black Swan" discussion. "I was on a portion-controlled diet of 1200 calories a day." Seacrest makes a mental note.
6:33 I think Russell Brand is wearing a bit of contouring makeup under the cheekbones — kind of like Giuliana, but 100x more restrained (not that he needs it). He's with his mum, which buys him a pass on whatever stupid thing he might do later.
6:34 Okay, more Giuliana. She's so restrained! Like, sane. Also: Where the hell is our GLAM CAM 360?
6:39 Oh, Amy Adams. Honey, no. Dress could work but not with that necklace.
6:41 And we've got Hathaway in some dramatic red. Verdict is out on this, but it's strikingly similar to what Jennifer Hudson is wearing. Somewhere, Rachel Zoe is going bananas.
6:50 Ruffles! Er, Ruffalo. His wife looks pretty cool, if only because her dress is interesting.
6:54 Usually, when Giuliana's in action, Seacrest is on damage control. But when Seacrest is in just plain ol' control — seeing as he's clearly the only one allowed to talk to the celebs — it's no more interesting than his incredibly uninteresting radio show.
6:56 Jennifer Hudson is wearing a verrrry low-cut Versace which is not doing her tan lines any favors. And you can't really see it in this screen cap, but her nipple petals are peeking out. This is classier than a nip-slip. Also, I love nipple petals. Wear 'em all summer.
7:00 HOW MANY TIMES CAN THE CAMERA CUT TO FLORENCE WELCH?
7:03 Scarlett Johansson only speaks sexyface.
7:05 James Franco, Oscars co-host, Best Actor nominee and currently the Best Thing To Ever Happen To The Internet, just tweeted a pic of himself getting ready.
7:08 Giuliana and Kelly are dancing around the fact that they dislike Melissa Leo's dress. "It's...bold." What, can you not say you dislike a nominee's dress?
7:10 Meanwhile, ABC is attempting to do their own red carpet coverage. Tim Gunn asked Mila Kunis about ballet. Snooze. Back to E!.
7:20 Sharon Stone looks scary. Just scary eye makeup, dark dead-bird dress...it's all a bit macabre.
7:22 Giuliana on Hillary Swank: "Feathers are so in right now." Can something like that be true if you will it so?
7:23Kelly and Giuliana tackle the tricky topic of HBC (who looks pretty great):
Kelly: "What I respect about her so much...is that she's not here for the fashion. She's an actress."
Giuliana: "She always wears the same pair of sunglasses...that's why we love her!" Yep. That's why.
7:25 Celine Dion's got a rock hanging from her neck that's quite large...she'll probably drop it into the ocean after this ceremony. And maybe happily die in her sleep after?
7:27 Javier Bardem, just fuck me. No point in dancing around it. Let's go.
7:30 Kevin Spacey is babbling about the internet and revolution and Facebook and, I think, Wikileaks...file under: things not to talk about on the red carpet.
7:33 Okay, Gwyneth, you win.
7:43 Oh, good: Giuliana's talking about Celine's smoking post-baby bod.
7:45 So there's this little scroll down at the bottom of the E! screen, with really important news updates, like: "JENNIFER LAWRENCE ACTUALLY ATE A CHEESESTEAK TODAY...AND A YOGURT."
7:47 Penelope Cruz's cleavage is so tightly packed, she can't even lose a breadcrumb down there.
7:50 Mark Wahlberg says he's "already won the real statue" — his wife. His wife is a statue. He said this on television. She is a trophy wife, literally.
7:57 Meanwhile, over at CNN, red carpet expert Camille Grammar is talking about JENNIFER LAWRENCE'S NIPPLES. (All Jennifer Lawrence updates will be in caps, per the cheesesteak scroll.)
7:58 Natalie Portman looks great in Rodarte. Fingers crossed for an awkward and giggly acceptance speech.
8:00 E! is done, now we have to switch to ABC red carpet. Tim Gunn calls Jennifer Hudson "superbly svelte." And she's talking a mile a minute, like a Five Hour Energy commercial.
http://www.viddler.com/explore/jezebel/videos/1158/8:04 The more James Franco tries to be serious, the more ridiculous/funny he is. Love.
8:08 Who is this dude comparing Colin Firth to the Packers?
8:10 Looks like we've got a Brangelina no-show. She decided to stay at home with her lipgloss...
8:13 Kidman, in her incredible Fail Gown: "Having been the business a long time, I know most of the people here, which is lovely." Which is like an enormous, all-encompassing name-drop, something one would assume Nicole needn't do.
8:15 If Christian Bale wins, I'd like to see him shave that Oscars Beard on stage. Or maybe Franco shaves it. Now that would be a show.
8:20 You know what would be cool? If this goddamn show would start.
8:23 No one has mentioned Charlie Sheen. He whose name shall not be spoken.
8:26 "I'm sitting here with Halle Berry...So, Halle, how's your custody battle going?" #thingsthatdidnthappenbutshouldve
8:30 Oh, look, hey! The show is starting! Onward, pop culture soldiers!