The big night has arrived! The stars have congregated, Anne Hathaway and James Franco are poised and ready. Let's do this!
This is it. They're showing the nominated films. Where is Franco?
Okay, Franco and Hathaway are in Inception!
Ambien! Jack Donaghy!
Hathaway is doing a Boston accent.
Franco in a unitard: So good.
Hathaway's dress is gorgeous. Is Franco tweeting right now?
James Franco's grandma is adorable.
"It's been a great year for lesbians."
Isn't the first award usually Best Supporting Actress? What is going on. Art Direction and Cinematography? Titanic. What. What is going on?
"Oscar-winning film Alice In Wonderland" = no. Don't let it happen.
Alice In Wonderland won, of course. Ugh. Sorry, I love the story but that movie fucking sucked. The Mad Hatter does not breakdance.
We just received an email press release about Daphne Zuniga's dress. It was Nicole Miller, FYI. Since you were dying to know.
The man whose last name is PFISTER just called Christopher Nolan his "master." BDSM?!?!
Kirk Douglas gets a standing O. Where is Banksy? Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time?
Old men hitting on young women: Never gets old?
Okay, best supporting actress. Melissa Leo or Hailee Steinfeld?
My friend on Kirk Douglas: "This is a hate crime."
This seems designed to go viral or something. It's so insane. JUST TELL US THE WINNER.
And the winner… Melissa Leo. YES.
Melissa bowed down to Kirk, and then he was led away.
SHE SAID FUCKING. Really awesome. The censors were quick. Or the delay was appropriate. Something.
Justin Timberlake is not Banksy. We would believe it if James Franco claimed to be Banksy. But not JT. Sorry.
The show so far has been full of awkward pauses.
My friend in LA sent me a text which reads: "The Oscars are on drugs this year. Contact high from James Franco?"
Toy Story 3 has won an Oscar. Yawn. We need a musical number right about now.
Commercial break. How is everyone doing? Hanging in there? What are we drinking? I'm having some Pepsi Throwback. SUGAR.
Aaron Sorkin got the "your time is up" music. Whoa.
I like The King's Speech writer's speech. Late bloomer. It's never too late!
We're almost an hour in. Can we agree that the show is BO. RING so far? Where is the youthful wackiness we were promised?
Does Hathway have rhinestones on her eyelashes? And can she FedEx me her shoes?
Also: Halle Berry and Hugh Jackman are plotting a Swordfish sequel?
Franco in a dress. More of this please.
Best supporting actor: Christian Bale. Had it in the bag. Duh. A moment of shallow objectification: Why does Bale hide the hot?
Reese Witherspoon's hair reminds me of Julie Christie In Shampoo. Speaking of Julie Christie, she is in the new Red Riding Hood movie. Just a fun fact. Also, I can't lie: I am super excited for it.
Trent Reznor just won an Oscar, you guys.
Sound. A good time to go to the kitchen and stare into the refrigerator.
James Franco's Twitter feed is pretty great.
Chris Nolan has been called "master" and "almighty" and some other high-praise-y stuff tonight. Interesting. STILL BORED.
"Congratulations, nerds." Thank you, Franco. Thank you.
Wolfman yadda yadda… But where is my part-time lover Benicio del Toro?
This "favorite movie from a song" montage is weird. WHY IS THE PRESIDENT INVOLVED? Also, to the guy who said his father had heart surgery and then he listened to "My Heart Will Go On" — you do realize the old lady dies in the end, right?
Dear Amy Adams. With a dress like that, you do not need a necklace. Seriously. It's not right.
AUTO TUNE. What America really loves. Also, as my friend Matt notes, the closest we're going to get to a new Timberlake single.
Oprah is in the house. Banksy, we're not sure about.
Billy Crystal is enjoying his standing ovation.
Would you rather: RDJ or Jude Law?
They're making us wait for Gwyneth Paltrow, Florence, and the big categories. But I'm already tired. And this show is not as young and hip as they want us to think it is, even with Auto-Tune. I'm just going to dwell on the image at the left for a while…
Jennifer Hudson needs someone to break it to her gently: That dress is not doing good things for her breasts. In other news, Florence's dress and hair are matchy-matchy.
What is with Gwyneth's microphone. Is it a dildo? Is it spraypainted by Banksy?
Hooper wins Best Director for King's Speech, references Triangle Of Man-Love, which sounds like a film I would watch. Repeatedly.
So… Still awake? Feeling alright? I have switched to wine and the urge to close my eyes grows stronger with every dragging moment. I think I enjoyed the Golden Globes more because folks were drunk and Angelina Jolie PUT ON LIPGLOSS, LIVE. It's hard to top that.
Natalie Portman wins best actress. Shocker. I saw her in the Thor trailer, and thought, wow, that does not look good.
Firth. Firth. Firth.
All we have now is Best Picture, right? LET'S GET ON WITH IT. I want to go to sleep and have a dream within a dream starring Leonardo DiCaprio and James Franco and myself wearing Marion Cotillard's best gowns.
ACTUAL DRUM ROLL. King's Speech wins. I'm not saying I didn't like it. I thought it was good. But, you know… No sex, no violence, didn't bring me to tears, didn't make me gasp.
The kids from PS 22 are up late. Oh no it's LA. My friend Matt declares them "better than Glee." Anyway. Where is the Grease musical number?
Well, that was fun. And by fun I mean mind-numbingly boring. But thanks for hanging out with me. See you guys in the ayem.