The Happiest You've Ever Been to See a Co-Worker Leave

Illustration for article titled The Happiest You've Ever Been to See a Co-Worker Leave
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It’s a good week to feel good, if only for a brief moment in time! But watching Dr. Fauci smile like he’d just been crowned Ms. America while speaking at a White House press briefing might just be the happiest I have ever seen a man. Fauci’s pure joy was a result of finally being freed from the shackles of half-truths spouted from his former boss, who peaced out dramatically on Tuesday. Fauci was laughing, cracking jokes, his skin was glowing, his hair grew two extra inches, it was beautiful.

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We’ve all had that one unbearable co-worker, who had us sacrificing paperclips to the office gods to plead they would just go away. Whether it’s because they got fired, quit, or just transferred to a different department where you didn’t have to deal with them, what co-worker departure made your spirit soar? We wanna know.

But first, let’s take a look back on how far over the edge you all went when you lost your shit.

Revolutionary From Way Back shared a story so vile my soul left my body, as will yours:

I had gotten a roommate to help with the bills and roommate was becoming pissed at his food packages being broken into at night and all the mouse poop in the morning. So I went and got a set of three snap traps. (I know, I know, but I couldn’t listen to them die in a glue trap either). Turns out peanut butter is the way to lure Mickey to a quick death. Every night I would load up the traps with Jiffy and as soon as the lights would go out - SNAP SNAP SNAP. Within the first 15 minutes easily. In the morning I would clean the guys up and we’d begin again. Fun fact- did you know mice can smell death? after a while they stopped going near the traps. I boiled the traps and that seemed to do it, good to go again. I say all this to prove how bad the problem was.

My landlord had us pay the rent in cash every month, for completely legal reasons I’m sure. At any rate after another conversation of me requesting an exterminator, and being patronized, I cracked. Here I was, 28 about to be divorced, broke, living with a roommate I barely knew and working three jobs in the the off-off-broadway world. Oh and completely, totally fucked up over my husband’s betrayal. So, I decided to prove to the landlord that I was not making a Big Deal of something that wasn’t. Every morning when I emptied the traps, I would cut off the tails of the mice. Imagine every horror movie where the woman CRACKS. Yup there I was with a cutting board and a knife. Then I saved the tails in a plastic bag. At the end of the month, I paid my landlord as usual in cash. I put it in the 3/4 full plastic bag full to tails. One month’s rent, and one month’s tails.

SageGirl, snaps to you for not dragging someone out of their car:

We had a medical event in a second floor store, patient dropped unconscious, not breathing. Our main elevators were broken, so we brought the paramedics in through a loading dock and up a freight elevator.

As we’re hustling back to the freight elevator with the patient on the stretcher, with me running ahead, carding through access doors so the paramedics don’t have to slow down, I come across the manager from the Samsung store standing at the freight elevator with a cart holding an absolutely massive television. He is just opening up the doors of the freight elevator, but waves us in and tells me he doesn’t mind waiting if I can’t close the doors downstairs right away (freight elevator doors do NOT close automatically, in order to prevent any gruesome mishaps from impatient people on other floors).

Downstairs, we wheel out into the loading bay and notice a small older model sedan parked in front of the ambulance, blocking its way.

We’re already shaking our heads, but I tell the paramedics I’ll deal with it. I step around the ambulance and tap on the driver’s side window of the sedan.

Me: ‘scuse me sir, we’re going to need to you move your car out of the bay. This ambulance needs to get by.

Asshole Customer (AC): Where’s my TV? I’m here to pick up my TV.

Me: Sir, please move forward, this ambulance needs to move past you.

AC: [Samsung manager’s name] said he was bringing my TV, where is it.

Me: It’s upstairs, we had priority usage of the elevator. Please move your car and [manager’s name] will be able to bring it shortly.

AC: No! I ordered my TV and I’m not moving until I get it.

By this point, the ambulance driver is in his seat and giving me “what gives????” gestures through the windshield and the mall’s security supervisor is checking in on the radio, wondering why he can still see the ambulance on camera.

Me: [more firmly] Sir, this is a medical emergency, I’m going to need you to move your car right away.

AC: I’m not moving until I get my TV! [crosses arms like a petulant toddler].

Me: [glances at ambulance driver, who is now gesturing frantically].

Me: *grabs sedan’s door handle, starts to open door* EITHER YOU MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR OR SO HELP ME I WILL DRAG YOU OUT AND MOVE IT FOR YOU!

Asshole Customer recoiled like he’d been slapped, and hurriedly pawed at the ignition of his car. “OKAY OKAY I’M MOVING!” and he pulls forward, giving the ambulance just enough room to squeeze through.

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The Other Boloney Girl, were you still wearing pajamas?:

I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me while borrowing my car around a midnight. I was unable to sleep. Around 7 a.m., I walked the forty minutes to his apartment (note that I had a car but knew I was too enraged to drive), rang the doorbell obnoxiously until he appeared in his robe and slippers, and just started screaming at him from the street. Folks were walking past us just trying to commute to their jobs as I was yelling about him having unprotected sex with me and god help him if he gave me an STD and what sort of person cheats on someone while borrowing their goddamned car. To anyone who witnessed that breakdown—and there were many—I am sorry. I think it was a Tuesday and you deserved a normal Tuesday morning.

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Spread your joy in the comments below.

DISCUSSION

Not the traditional seeing a coworker leave, but some great schadenfreude:

I landed my dream job 10 years ago and it was fantastic. Great colleagues, awesome boss who took me under his wing (in a not creepy way) and mentored me to the next level.

Everything went great for 2 full years — finishing projects ahead of deadline, winning team awards, getting regional and national recognition. Looking back, it’s like a montage of awesome for a late 20s-something who finally “arrived.”

Then my boss got a terminal illness and left unexpectedly when I was in line for a promotion (of which the workload had already started, but not the title). He was immediately replaced by someone who was so bonkers, so not qualified for this specific position, and with such terrible people skills, I thought I was on a prank show.

This woman would literally show up to huge meetings (that she scheduled) 30 minutes late, or sometimes not at all. Because I was “2nd in command” by the time she was hired, I was left looking like an idiot because her behavior represented our office. Whenever I’d tried to smooth things over with all of the pissed off stakeholders, she’d blast me in front of them and remind me that I’m “not Associate Director YET.”

She had a personal assistant, which is NOT A THING in my field or organization. She’d throw her purse at the poor thing and demand “FIND MY PHONE AND CALL MY HUSBAND” and make her run her dog’s urine to the vet. I’m not joking.

This new boss would call my phone at all hours of the day, night, weekends. When I’d ignore one number, she’d call me from a different one. I ended up with 8 flagged numbers that I knew to ignore from her. One time, right before she was scheduled to go to a ribbon cutting ceremony for a big deal groundbreaking, she made me go shopping for/with her because she “wasn’t into this outfit anymore.”

I reported her up the chain to every person I could, but everyone dismissed it as her being “eccentric” and “getting used to a new company culture.” I should say this is a white post-middle-aged lady with lots of degrees and it was the Midwest. This was way beyond eccentric.

I ended up quitting that job after 3 years of being at the end of her “eccentrics” and when I gave my 2 weeks, she made me make a 365-day calendar, down to 15-minute increments, of “what I do all day.” That’s when it finally clicked that this lady had been bullshitting her way through a job for THREE years and I had always been cleaning up the mess. (Oh, and she never approved my title change, so I was doing all that shit for 3 years with no financial or name recognition).

1.5 years after I left, I got a call from the organization asking if they can hire me as a consultant on a HUGE project — a project that my awesome former boss and I had worked on together and should have just coasted with minimal oversight. Apparently everything crumbled to shambles after I left because this new boss A) was never qualified for the job, B) somehow skated by for 3 years never doing her job, C) had hired her personal assistant to do MY old job after I left (remember, I was #2 in command), and D) Tried to blame all of her failures on me, that I “set up traps” for her -- because she kept trying to call me all hours of the night for over a year after I left the job, and I would never answer.

She got demoted, and I got hired as a consultant to come in and clean up her mess right in front of her for way more money than I made while I was working there. She never made eye contact with me and never tried to call me again.