Saturday Night Social: Jezebel Dot Com Wants YOU to Eat a Hot Pocket With Glass in It

Illustration for article titled Saturday Night Social: Jezebel Dot Com Wants YOU to Eat a Hot Pocket With Glass in It
Screenshot: YouTube

Another day, another shameless trampling of my First Amendment rights, which were famously granted to me by the First Amendment.

On Friday, the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food and Safety Inspection Service announced that Nestlé Prepared Foods would be recalling close to a million pounds of select batches of Hot Pockets, per NBC News. Why? Because they have “extraneous materials, specifically pieces of glass and hard plastic” in them.

I have a problem with this. You see, I have long enjoyed my First Amendment right—since the day I was born, really. These rights, the most enjoyable of all amendment-based rates, personally, grant me the rights to a bunch of things. They include but are not limited to the right to dance, the right to shop, the right to say “wazzaaaaaaap” in 2021, and the right to use an ex’s stepfather’s Netflix login for up to three years after we break up. They also grant me the right to eat Hot Pockets with glass in them if I so choose. So, who does the government think he is, making that decision for me? I’m an adult, not a child, and I can make that decision for myself.

Advertisement

With Uncle Sam coming to take away our Hot Pockets with glass in them, we have a choice to make, and I, personally, am going to choose bravery. Please, readers. Exercise your First Amendment rights while you still can. Make this a Saturday night you won’t forget. Eat a Hot Pocket with glass in it.

Freelance journalist (GQ, W, Esquire, elsewhere), here on weekends

Share This Story

Get our `newsletter`

DISCUSSION

uwluvr2
Krispy Porkchops

Shelter Catstravaganza!

It turns out that Trixie, who managed to consume an impressive forty rubber bands (not without consequences) is diabetic. So that introduces a whole new level of care. I was asked (and said yes!) to help by giving her a midday feeding on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which she eagerly scarfs down. Still doesn’t like me, though. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Buckley continues to fit right in with roommates Mister and Logan, though Mister seems to think his tail makes an awesome chew toy.

Buckley appreciates my intervening on his behalf.

Shoe! Chew toy! Awesome! (Mister is so adorable)

Donegal has been busy this week, and because videos are involved, I constructed a whole Twitter thread to tell you all about it:

Max and Leo. Besties.

Another family has moved in! Mama Edwina is joined by her kittens, Esther and Ethan (black), Elwood (DSH Ebony Tabby), and Esme (DMH Ebony Tabby). Edwina greeted me warmly when I visited.

The kids were closely scrutinized by the neighbors.

It didn’t distract them from what was important - play!

Elwood managed to get his glitter fuzz ball into the ball track, which elevated it to a whole new level of fun.

The most popular toy, though, was the green corkscrew, which passed through a lot of paws and jaws during my visit.

In the other kitten room, we’re down to one, Conroy, and Mama Kristi Kreme, who is going to be all to happy to day goodbye to her not-so-little one, but would never admit it. What you see here is Conroy gently but relentlessly burrowing in to get a snack from mama - aren’t you a little old for that?

Matt Dillon and Griffin continue to be social. Tiger does not. Tiger’s turn will come.

My hugger, Frosty, went to his forever home this week. May he continue his hugging ways with his new hooman.

His roommates, Dasher and Comet, continue to lose their shyness at varying rates.

Tasha was adopted from us in 2009, but was found as a stray recently in another town and traced to us through her chip. She’s getting a lot of TLC from us. Her fur is sooooo soft, and she loves her a good butt rub.

She moved into Pumpkin’s old room. Pumpkin moved downstairs, and appears to have taken the relocation hard. /s

No sooner did they move in on Sunday than Joe and Jack were due to be adopted Thursday night. Joe was so adorable - he would reach out and tap me if I wasn’t paying constant attention to him.

Jack had a few thought to share, and was very polite about doing so.

Sorry I disturbed you, Mini-Me! Sorry, Thea!

They are the best of friends.

Reaching the scratching board without getting out of bed is the ultimate in decadence. Just ask Rygel.

I rarely visit Sonia and Stan because they’re so shy around me, but lately they’ve both been pasted to the window, practically begging me to join them. So I did, but despite incontrovertible evidence that I had much to offer, I still couldn’t get near Stan.

More new additions. Virgil and Victoria. Virgil is a real cuddle bug, but Victoria is still too captivated by the outside world to be social.

Tommy the tripod puts the refining touches on his charm offensive.

And, as I type this, I have the pleasure of looking at this angle of Patti.