Saturday Night Social: Jezebel Dot Com Wants YOU to Eat a Hot Pocket With Glass in It

Illustration for article titled Saturday Night Social: Jezebel Dot Com Wants YOU to Eat a Hot Pocket With Glass in It
Screenshot: YouTube

Another day, another shameless trampling of my First Amendment rights, which were famously granted to me by the First Amendment.

On Friday, the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food and Safety Inspection Service announced that Nestlé Prepared Foods would be recalling close to a million pounds of select batches of Hot Pockets, per NBC News. Why? Because they have “extraneous materials, specifically pieces of glass and hard plastic” in them.

I have a problem with this. You see, I have long enjoyed my First Amendment right—since the day I was born, really. These rights, the most enjoyable of all amendment-based rates, personally, grant me the rights to a bunch of things. They include but are not limited to the right to dance, the right to shop, the right to say “wazzaaaaaaap” in 2021, and the right to use an ex’s stepfather’s Netflix login for up to three years after we break up. They also grant me the right to eat Hot Pockets with glass in them if I so choose. So, who does the government think he is, making that decision for me? I’m an adult, not a child, and I can make that decision for myself.


With Uncle Sam coming to take away our Hot Pockets with glass in them, we have a choice to make, and I, personally, am going to choose bravery. Please, readers. Exercise your First Amendment rights while you still can. Make this a Saturday night you won’t forget. Eat a Hot Pocket with glass in it.

Freelance journalist (GQ, W, Esquire, elsewhere), here on weekends

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