Doctors. They do important stuff and they spend a lot of time in school in order to be called doctors. But as Fox News cretin Tucker Carlson has pointed out twice now, in a seemingly unending conservative squall over Jill Biden’s doctorate that began with an extremely sexist Wall Street Journal column, not all doctors are created equally. Some doctors don’t even doctor for other people, can you fucking believe it? They doctor for education or philosophy or business. Unheard of!
But then there are some doctors who don’t doctor anything at all, and yet there they are. out in the world asking people to call them doctor without so much as a bachelor’s degree, which is just despicable. I mean, do these people even have dissertations? Yet somehow they are free to walk the earth without being molested by Tucker Carlson despite their mockery of the institution of doctoring.
In order to help us simple-minded, non-doctor folk navigate who is and is not a doctor, please consider this helpful comprehensive list of people who are definitely not doctors. Or people.
Dr. Bronner - Makes soaps
Dr. Meter - Measures shit
Dr. Love - A literal fraud
Dr. Browns - a beverage that is NOT better than Dr. Pepper, I don’t care what you say, Kelly!
Dr. Pepper - The best thing to happen to soda since the invention of carbonation, but still less of a doctor than Dr. Jill Biden, despite Tucker Carlson’s thoughts.
Doc Brown - A time traveler
Dr. Demento - A radio man
The Rug Doctor - A doctor so fake yet so helpful that Jason Torchinsky of Jalopnik had to step in and explain: “I admire the Rug Doctor, and I feel like he’s a role model we need right now. He solemnly asserts his rage at dirt, but he doesn’t just complain or tweet about it, he fucking chugs water and cleanser and SETTLES HASH. He identifies what’s wrong and does what’s needed. He wouldn’t let Trump or any of those fuckers get away with anything under some pretense of ‘unity’ or whatever. He’d be steaming mad. He’s a machine of action.”
Dr. Dre - A music man
Dr. J - A basketball man
Dr. Mario - A plumber with a lab coat
Dr. Seuss - A poet and possibly a racist
Dr. Evil - A villain with a cat
Dr. Teeth - A Muppet
Dr. Light - A comic book villain
Dr. Manhattan - A blue man with an enormous radioactive penis
Spin Doctors - A band
Dr. Who - A lady alien who can’t be a real doctor (because she is a lady not because she’s an alien)
Dr. Theopolis - A machine