Twenty-five years ago today, Toy Story premiered in theaters, introducing the world and countless parents to Tim Allen bellowing “to infinity... and beyond!!” as well as those goddamn aliens that were stuck in the claw machine. Today is also International Men’s Day, a holiday that Jezebel generally does not recognize. The confluence, however, of these two blessed events brought up a very good question: would the staff of Jezebel fuck either Sheriff Woody or Buzz Lightyear?
Before getting to the staff assessment, which was near-unanimous, our subjects deserve careful, thorough consideration. Sheriff Woody Pride, the cowboy up there on the left, is a kind-hearted, bossy, and otherwise gentle soul. “All Woody wants in life is to take care of people and toys,” my colleague Kelly Faircloth said, when the subject came up. “His love language is acts of service,” Ashley Reese offered. Both these facts about Woody are irrefutably true; let’s take this one step further and think about how that might apply in the bedroom.
Woody’s earnestness is a bit of a turn-off to me, but the possibility of that earnestness turning into enthusiasm for other things like munching box and getting you a glass of water after he’s done with you is exciting and also, likely. He’s a little bit of a nervous wreck, because not everyone listens to him when he wants, but I think that a frisson of neurosis makes for a capable lover who can often surprise you. Also, Woody’s a cowboy, and his name, I’m sorry, is Woody. He’s not made of wood according to Stassa Edwards, mother of a young child and thus a noted Toy Story scholar, but he’s probably got a plush body and plastic limbs—but the suggestive nature of his name makes me think of dick. Also, he’s got kind eyes that don’t really move, and is voiced by Tom Hanks who, to my knowledge has done nothing bad except father Chet Haze. Let me be clear that Tom Hanks should not take any blame for Chet Haze’s predilection for speaking in patois, because children are their own people with their own personalities, but still, damn. In any case: Woody was a unanimous Would from the staff who happened to be perverted enough to entertain this scenario.
The same cannot be said for Buzz Lightyear, whose only redeeming quality is that he is plastic and ostensibly vibrates. Everything else about Buzz Lightyear screams Tea Party Republican, from his America-first attitude to the fact that he resembles Congressman Matt Gaetz, as they both share the same Gaston-esque chin and jawline—big and square. Listen, Buzz is definitely the kind of man that tells you he’s really good at sex but is actually horrible at it, and though the helmet is removable, the little purple thing he wears over his head under the helmet appears to be permanent. I have no idea what it is, but I’m inclined to believe that Buzz simply doesn’t have hair—no shade to bald men—and that this purple thing is his answer to that problem. Ten points docked for insecurity; bald is beautiful, own it, Buzz, come on. Not a single person on staff was interested in fucking the astronaut. Fair.
Other contenders in the franchise were Mr. Potato Head (a yes from me, but ignored by everyone else), the T-Rex (nope), Forky (too nervous), and Bo Peep, who was a unanimous yes from everyone who considered this situation with the thought it deserves. Sheriff Woody Pride is a Would-y (no? maybe?) and Buzz “I Believe Wayfair is Trafficking Children” Lightyear is an absolutely not.
How about you?