Vote 2020 graphic
Everything you need to know about and expect during
the most important election of our lifetimes

The Dumbest Way You've Gotten Scared

Illustration for article titled The Dumbest Way Youve Gotten Scared
Image: ANDY ZAPATA/AFP (Getty Images)

Welcome to October, the most haunted month of them all! This week, Jezebel launched its annual Scary Stories contest, which has hopefully gotten you in the mood for spooks. If you’ve been sitting on some killer, piss-in-your-pants tales of horror, both real and paranormal, save them for that contest. However, in today’s Pissing Contest, I’m curious about the kind of thrills and chills that don’t fit the bill: the dumb ways you’ve scared yourself or have been scared. What’s the most idiotic way you’ve gotten freaked out? Drop that nonsense in the comments below.

Advertisement

But before all that, let’s check out last week’s winners. These are the best stories about the worst places you’ve peed. I can’t believe it has come to this.

WinglessVictory, you win, dear lord:

1986. Newly pregnant. Florida in August, about noon. Flea Market porta-potty. I vomitted on my feet while I was peeing.

Advertisement

Darigaaz, absolutely not, thanks:

Peace Corps in Africa, I was peeing in the chim and happened to look down into the abyss inside the hole.... the abyss stared back... and then a spider bigger than my hand dropped on my shoulder.

The rest of my peeing in the service was spider free, but I basically crawled into the bathroom every day to avoid a spiders.

Jackie Beltaine, I love the NYC-specificity of this answer, and for that reason, you may be rewarded:

CBGB’s bathroom. There’s a good reason it’s been immortalized in movies, TV shows and art. Dear Gods, what was I thinking.

Advertisement

littlesmantha, both of these are horrifying in unique ways:

The grossest place I’ve ever peed was the bathroom at Coyote Ugly in Nashville, which my friend thought we should go to because it would be hilarious and it distinctly was not. The bathroom was covered in everything a bathroom could be covered in and I remember thinking I was glad I was so drunk because I didn’t mind so much.

The worst place I’ve ever peed was on a boat in China, where the bathroom was just a long trough down the middle of the room that you were supposed to squat over to go directly into the river, but there was nothing to hold on to in case the boat moved like a boat so it was a core workout and extremely smelly from I assume all the people who fell over while trying it.

Advertisement

mcstabbypants, I’m not going to recover from this:

I grew up with hippie homesteader parents in the 1970s. For years, we had no indoor toilet, only an outhouse. Do you know how many spiders and millipedes and house centipedes and other creepy crawly things like to live in outhouses? A LOT. Many of them live in the hole and get curious when someone’s ass blocks the light, so they crawl up to investigate. Also, snakes. Peeing in the dark with only a flashlight was especially horrible. I was constantly terrified I would fall in.

We finally got an indoor toilet because my mom told my dad if he didn’t install one he’d be the one dealing with my sister’s cloth diapers all winter. Toilet was installed almost immediately after that statement.

Advertisement

The Old Man from Scene 24, this is stressful:

I’m a guy, so the world is essentially my urinal. Usually.

Back in 1989 or so, I was living in South Jersey and commuting by train into Center City Philadelphia. I usually wasn’t big on hanging out with my coworkers after office hours, but everyone was talking about this new club (I think it was called the Heart Throb) that was just a few blocks from our office, and the boss offered to buy the first round, so what the hell?!

Six hours later....

It is now past midnight, I have already called out sick from my second job and knew I would be bad form to not show up at the 9 to 5 after going out with the boys on a weeknight, so I decided to call it a night. I head to the rest room to recycle about a half-dozen Lowenbraus when i see the line to the men’s room is about 15 deep and the facilities are ‘closed for cleaning’ (i.e. someone puked.)

I look at my watch and realize I have about 20 minute to make the train back to Jersey, otherwise I would have to wait nearly an hour for the next one.

I steel my bladder, and tell myself I can hold it until I get home. Then the cold February wind hit me. I knew at this point I wouldn’t be able to even hold it until I got to the train station, let alone the 45 minutes it would take to me to get home.

Desperately, I look for someplace to relieve myself. I thought I found salvation when i came up to an alley between some buildings. I duck in the alley and unzip.....

All of a sudden, a rat the size of a house cat climbed out of a dumpster and stared at me. Another one poked his head out from behind some boxes.

Suddenly, i no longer had to pee.

The alley i went into was behind a McDonalds. The rats had grown huge on a diet of discarded fast food.

I quickly zip-up and sprint to the train station, just as the train is pulling in.

I grab a seat and hold my bladder for a painful 20 minutes until I get to my station. Once back outside, I find a convenient bush and let go.

It was almost a good as sex.

MyBodyIsAWonderbread, no thanks:

Into a cup that I drank out of a few minutes later.

It was a weird college thing where people won a contest by grossing each other out the most. I did not win because people didn’t believe it was really my own pee. (It was, and it wasn’t bad at all because I had been drinking so much water to prepare.) Note: This contest was discontinued a year later because people took it to the max and it crossed over from funny-gross to horrifying-gross.

Advertisement

Hamologist, haven’t we all?:

I peed on somebody once. I was very young and very drunk and honestly thought the mattress they were sleeping on looked like a toilet.

No one was happy about it the following morning.

Get dumb and spooky in the comments below.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

breezeinthedeez
BreezeInTheDeez

Well, I dropped this in the Annual Scary Stories Contest but this is probably a better place for it.

This happened when I was around 13 or 14. My dad had recently passed away, so it was just me, my mom, and my 5-years-younger brother. After my dad died, my mom became really adamant about always keeping the doors locked all the time, even though we lived in a safe, quiet neighborhood in a safe, quiet Alaskan town. I grew up in a modest two-story home (bottom story was a basement), in the middle of a spruce forest, surrounded by tall trees.

One day, my mom took my brother to town to play with some friends and I was home by myself. As usual, I had locked the doors after them when they left and was just hanging out in the living room, reading a book.

Suddenly, I heard a sound like one of the cupboards in our bathroom closing. If you opened the cupboard door and then let it fall closed, it would kind of tap a few times before settling back into position. BONK bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk.

I froze, because there shouldn’t have been anyone else in the house. Then I heard it again. BONK bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk.

Okay. It didn’t sound like it was in the main part of the house. We had the same type of cupboards in the kitchen, and in the two bathrooms towards the back of the house….and in the bathroom in the basement.

BONK bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk.

I checked the lock on the front door. There was a staircase that could access the basement from inside, but the door into the actual basement from the living room should be locked, so I should be okay, even though you can also access the basement from the outside.

BONK bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk. By now I am really freaking out. Someone is in my basement just opening the cupboard and letting it fall closed. Obviously they know I’m here and they are trying to scare me, and HOO BOY are they succeeding. I creep down the basement stairs to test and make sure that the door is still locked. It is.

I hear the noise again while I’m at the bottom of the stairs…only now it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from the basement anymore, but upstairs!

I ran back up the stairs in an almost-panic, and that’s when I hear the sound one more time. BONK bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk. At the same time, out of the corner of my eye, I see movement outside the window!

…….It was a spruce cone rolling off the roof. A goddamn fucking squirrel had been tossing spruce cones out of the tree nearest the house, and they would hit the roof (BONK) then roll the rest of the way down (bonk bonk bonk bonk bonk) and that’s what I’d been hearing. I was so embarrassed I didn’t tell my mom about it when she got home.