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Your Ludicrous Road Trip Story

Illustration for article titled Your Ludicrous Road Trip Story
Image: MARTIN BUREAU (Getty Images)

No one should be taking a road trip right now, spreading germs and bacteria across the country in the midst of a global health pandemic, but surely some people are. Influencers have been since week one of CDC regulations–as you and I both know, influencers are above the law—but if you can’t feel morally superior to them, what’s the point of being alive? Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about road trips recently, and how they’re ripe for disasters and hilarity.

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With that in mind, this week I want to hear all about your ludicrous road trip stories. Did you once leave someone behind? Did you pick up a hitchhiker who turned out to be a ghost? Did you have the worst breakup of your life eight hours away from home, riding in silence across the great state of Nevada? Whatever it is, we need to hear it. Drop those in the comments below.

But first, let’s take a look at last week’s winners: these are your public sex disaster stories.

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macree, you win. For both stories, though you only really told one:

Mid 90s, DC, oyster bar near the White House, boyfriend and I getting busy in the men’s room, my skirt is up to here, boyfriends hands are right about there...bam, door opens, boyfriend is all of a sudden wrapping his arms around me, which is weird, cause, I’m taller and in heels, so hiding me is like hiding a giraffe in a convertible, but I’m busy putting my skirt down, trying to look innocent, and pretend there’s no one there, so I didn’t look up, bam...door slams...boyfriend says, damn, Newt. Bless my 20 something lil heart, it took me a minute...Newt? Like, Newt Gingrich? Like, he saw my ass?!? Boyfriend shrug of maybe, if I say yes are u kicking my ass?

And I’m pretty sure a bear watched me have hot tub sex in Colorado once.

Hamologist, LOL:

We were never caught properly, but one of my exes and I used to have so much sex on this one giant trampoline in an abandoned playground out back of an apartment complex, and one day we went out there and someone had slashed the trampoline side-to-side in a big “X,” so they knew what was going on.

RIP, sex trampoline. I supposed you bounced us too close the the sun.

chocolate covered raisons d’être, he told you to FINISH UP?:

20-something. Sex in a cemetery. We got caught by the night watchman\groundskeeper\whatever he was. Lit us up with one of those super bright floodlight lanterns. Felt like time stood still. All the guy said was “Finish up and get out out of here or I’m calling the cops.” and he walked away. He seemed very nonchalant about the whole thing and I wondered how many times he caught “edgy” couples fucking on the premises.

The High Woman In The Castle, if only he took you to a movie you didn’t want to see...:

I will preface this by saying the intended public sex act did not occur.

When I was 30, I dated a guy who was also 30. He’d just gotten out of a serious relationship - his first girlfriend from high school. He still lived at home, and his ex had also never left her parent’s home. Neither one of them ever had a car. He’d never left even though he’d gone to college and was in grad school. This was DC so there were several universities around. He was a PhD student in physics.

On our third date, he asked me to go see Zodiac about the Zodiac killer. Great! I’d been wanting to see that. At this point, we’d only kissed and snuggled.

We get to the theater, and he immediately steers me to the back row. Uh okay. The theater wasn’t very full. As soon as the lights go down, he starts making out with me. Very intensely. I wasn’t expecting that but okay. And he doesn’t stop even though the movie started, and I wanted to see it. Finally, I had to physically push him away when he started to undo my bra and go for my jeans. He was confused while I was trying to watch the movie. He wasn’t paying attention to the movie.

I got annoyed because I was 30 years old with my own apartment. I hadn’t lived at home since I was 17. I hadn’t made out in a movie theater since high school and had zero interest in doing so. When I went to a movie, I wanted to see a movie.

That killed it for me, and I didn’t think much of it until I told my friends. One of them connected the dots. “If he has the lived at home, and his high school ex always lived at home, where do you think they always hooked up, especially if neither one of them had a car or disposable income?”

Okay that made much more sense.

ZoetheBitch, lol:

(I’m a guy)

I was in Florida for a few months for a job, lived in an apartment complex, had two roommates.

Met a lady, there was a mutual attraction. We went out a few times. One night we went back to the apartment. I could see one of my roommates was home — had his huge car outside. Didn’t want to interact with them. It was dark so we went to the edge of the parking lot and did the deed in my very small Honda sedan. All done and time to go. Windows were fogged up. Started up the car and promptly drove into the side of a dumpster.

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E=MC Hammmered, this is, like, a solid argument both for and against car sex:

I have two, more than 20 years apart...

First one was in high school. My girlfriend’s dad lived about an hour away and the drive included going over a 5,000 ft. mountain pass that was occasionally shut down due to snow. She didn’t have a car, so I’d drive her up some weekends and we’d spend the day with her dad. On one trip, we got stuck on the road when they closed it because of snow. After an hour or so the windows were completely fogged up and we were bored high school kids, so we started messing around. There were cars parked right next to us on all sides, but we figured nobody could see because the windows were fogged over. We didn’t, I guess, realize how obvious it would still be to everyone who could see our car. When I got out to stretch my legs a few minutes after, the trucker next to us honked his horn and gave a thumbs up and the couple directly behind us rolled down their windows and applauded.

Jump to a couple decades later and I was a recently separated almost 40-year-old who had just started dating an also recently separated almost 40-year-old woman. Neither of our divorces had been completed yet and we were both still cohabitating with our exes, so it was kind of a clusterfuck. One night after a few drinks we were in a deserted parking lot in in the car talking and one thing led to another so we made our way into the back seat. The disaster this time was not in getting caught, but in thinking that at our age we would have the flexibility and tenacity to pull off fucking in the back seat of a car. We finally called it quits after I got a cramp so bad I had to have her open the door I was leaning up against and push me out into the parking lot.

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Drop those stories in the comments below.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

katiekeys
katie_keys

When I graduated college, a friend (G) and I both got jobs as fishery observers in Alaska. We decided to drive both our cars from Maine (where we graduated) to Seattle (where training happened.) A third friend (H) decided to caravan with us since she got a job on the Oregon coast for the summer.

It was easy to start, we had planned to alternate camping and cheap hotels. In those days you could get coupon books for hotels at $60/ night everywhere. We had pork tenderloin sandwiches in Indiana and terrible bar food in Rochester Minnesota, but we also went to the SPAM museum. Some lack of camping landed us in SD badlands, basically nowhere, with only the food in our cars. (At least we had SPAM.)

The fifth day dawned and there was a lot in South Dakota we wanted to see, but suddenly neither of them wanted to visit, and both were impatient to get elsewhere. It was always planned the H would depart at some point (she had an earlier start date) but they both up and left me in South Dakota, the G telling me she would just see me in Seattle with no warning. I was kinda mad because we were splitting accommodations and at no point before was splitting up discussed with G.

Of course this is the day my homesickness hit, and I spent a day wandering between South Dakota attracts fucking sobbing whenever I was in the car. On the other hand, it was the last time I ever experienced homesickness.

The next two days I spent looping down through Yellowstone and ended up crossing into Idaho in the middle of a terrible thunderstorm in the dark, aka not a great time to drive mountains. It was pretty smooth sailing from there.

IDK where the fuck G went but we ended up arriving at our training accommodations within an hour of each other. I should have picked a different room from her - she spent the next 3.5 weeks fucking random guys on the bottom of our bunk bed. Once training was over we never spoke again.