The Extremely Unofficial and Fake Timeline of Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott’s Relationship

Illustration for article titled The Extremely Unofficial and Fake Timeline of Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott’s Relationship
Screenshot: Instagram

On August 4, 2019, Jonathan Scott posted an Instagram photo from the set of Carpool Karaoke, featuring Zooey Deschanel, in which he wrote: “Met some new humans today. We had fun. I think I’ll keep them.” It was a chilling joke coming from the human personification of a 500 piece puzzle, made only more concerning by the involvement of Zooey Deschanel, patron saint of musical theatre variety shows. But it was also a reminder, that inevitably, musical theater people find each other. Now it’s been a year, they’re still together, and time is utterly, irredeemably fake.

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I remember the post like it was yesterday because it was; the September 14, 2019 Us Weekly headline announcing: “Zooey Deschanel Is Dating Property Brothers’ Jonathan Scott After Split From Husband Jacob Pechenik: It Was a ‘Pleasant Surprise.’” Sources subsequently told the outlet that Deschanel fell for Scott’s “love of music” and “great sense of humor.” According to these tipsters, “He makes her laugh and he’s so sweet to her.” By October the aspiring magician and self-described dog dad had made his relationship “Instagram official” with the former “Cotton: Fabric of Our Lives” spokeswoman while out at Universal Studio’s “Horror Nights.” Come New Year’s 2020, he would comment on her Instagram post celebrating the occasion: “New Years Resolution...continue being the kinda fella you deserve. ❤️”

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Anyway, if you need a more official timeline of their relationship, Us Weekly has you covered. But I’m not interested in the official story. I want the juicy untold affair, filled with half-truths and allegations and clearly fabricated meet-cutes. In lieu of anything to satiate my craving for drama, I have instead compiled The Extremely Unofficial and Also Fake Timeline of Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott’s Relationship, According to Me, Someone Who Doesn’t Know What I’m Talking About.

I just love love! Or I’m in desperate need of a therapist.

August 5, 2019:

It’s the day after filming for Carpool Karaoke wrapped. Zooey Deschanel checks her phone and sees a voicemail from an unknown number. She tentatively listens, as the sounds of guitar strums can be heard through her cracked iPhone 8's tinny speakers, and a man’s warbling voice: “Dear Ms. Deschanel / I probably could have texted you / but a song feels more appropriate / because your laugh is also a song. / I would really like to see you again / so text me if you please.” She laughs and drafts a text.

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Jonathan Scott’s phone buzzes: “Great song, dude. I’d like to hear it again sometime. Drinks?”

September 5, 2019:

Zooey Deschanel’s hands are shaking. She looks down at her phone a third time, and he still hasn’t called. The waitress comes by and asks if she’d like another refill on her coffee. She passes, missing the organic brew she gets in Los Angeles. Las Vegas diners apparently don’t carry it. Worried she’s being stood up, she opens Candy Crush on her phone and pretends to look busy. Suddenly, she hears that same guitar strumming and watches as Jonathan Scott enters the diner backed by an entire choir. He leads them into a rendition of RENT’s “525,600 Minutes,” her favorite song. Even the waitress joins in lukewarm Vegas coffee pot still in hand. She laughs as Scott sits down into the booth, still playing. She rests her chin in her hand, careful not to smudge her lipstick. “Oh, Jonathan, you did all of this for me?”

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September 13, 2019:

Jonathan Scott is on the phone with Us Weekly. “Ok, please just make sure you focus on my great sense of humor and my music when you announce the relationship. I know, isn’t she great? She’s great. So funny, so cool, I’m the luckiest former magician turned real estate mogul in the world. Oh? How would you describe our Carpool Karaoke session in one word? On the record......hmm.......silly.”

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October 20, 2019:

Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott are having their first fight, in the parking lot of Universal Studios’ “Horror Nights”. She tears up: “Babe, how many times have I told you I don’t like this scary stuff? It’s not fun. It’s not my aesthetic at all” He’s insistent: “I know, my darling, my sweet. But it will be fun, I promise. The gang is all ready, they’re waiting for us. Please, I promise it will be fun. I promise! Think of it as theatre. You love theatre.” Deschanel frowns and spends the night walking three feet behind him.

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November 1, 2019:

It’s the happiest day of Zooey Deschanel’s life. Not only is she meeting her boyfriend’s family for the first time, at his brother J.D. Scott’s wedding in Vegas, but the wedding itself is themed. The groomsmen are dressed like Mortal Kombat characters, and she and her new boo are geared up in Batman and Catwoman paraphernalia. She sneaks into the bathroom, and texts her sister: “He’s perfect.”

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March 20, 2020:

Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott are the happiest they’ve ever been in their lives. Amazon is cleared out of board games and 1000 piece puzzles because of their online shopping habits. He plays show tunes all day, and she recycles her best jokes from New Girl.

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May 15, 2020:

Zooey Deschanel has become one with her true self. Outside, several birds land on her head, and a flute can be heard somewhere in the distance. Elsewhere, Jonathan Scott is working on his next magic trick.

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August 4, 2020:

Jonathan Scott has Zooey Deschanel seated on the couch. She arranged her Reformation dress, and he tells her to wait one moment. He comes back into the living room wheeling in a big curtain rod contraption, with velvet drapes and gold tassels hanging on its ends. He disappears behind it, and the lights go dim. The curtains unfurl: he’s wearing a top hat now, and a wand, with a deck of cards in his other hand. He steps through the curtain, and hands her extends the deck of cards, asking her to pick one. She does. “Don’t look at it! Now, please hold out your hand to me.” She does. “You may look at your card.” She turns it over, laughing.

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It reads: “Everyone thought we would fail, but look at us now. Happy one-year Carpool Karaoke anniversary, my songbird.”


Kourtney Kardashian shaved Reign’s head, writing on Instagram: “I am not ok.” I wouldn’t be either! He had such cool hair. No reason was given for why the sudden chop was needed, but it is like, 100 degrees in California right now. Long hair is sweaty!

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In a move that could be described by some as “sexy,” Jason Momoa gave Lisa Bonet a 1965 Mustang.


Megan Fox called Machine Gun Kelly her “achingly beautiful boy.”

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DISCUSSION

stupidumbuffoon
stupidumbuffoon

I will pass on whether Machine Gun Kelly is achingly beautiful but his chosen trade name sure is achingly annoying.