5 Earthshaking Ways to Spice Up Your Stay-at-Home Sex

Illustration for article titled 5 Earthshaking Ways to Spice Up Your Stay-at-Home Sex
Illustration: Wellcome Collection

Getting off while staying sheltered-in-place can be daunting, but a hot girl stay-at-home summer is still totally possible, according to this just-released, New York City government-approved list of covid-19 sexy time tips. Here’s everything you need to know about hooking up while locking down.

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Take matters into your own hands. According to NYC Health, “you are your safest sex partner,” as long as you remember to wash your hands and your sex toys before and after “me” time. Pro tip: light some scented candles and make a sexy Spotify playlist for your solo sessions, letting human voices and the smell caress you instead of the disease-coated human hands, which will likely remain unsafe well into 2021.

Consider fucking your roommate. If the weight and warmth of another human body makes you uncontrollably horny, don’t necessarily go searching for some strange. First, look within the statistically safer four walls of the tiny city apartment that has become your cell; you might be surprised at how sexy that stranger who answered your Craigslist ad last November has become. According to the health officials, the safest sex outside your own two hands are those you’ve already been in contact with. Pro tip: Change out of your mustard-stained sweats and into a sexy, retro pair of button-waist pants, circa 2019, to drive your roommate (or, hell, your spouse if things get that desperate) wild with a little throwback glamor.

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Bondage Hoods Are Summer’s Hottest Accessory: Anonymous hookups are now even hotter thanks to the New York City’s must-have sexcessory for summer—the covid mask! If you’ve just gotta hop on the apps for a little lovin’ the health department suggests you wrap it up from top to bottom: “Heavy breathing and panting can spread the virus further, and if you or your partner have COVID-19 and don’t know it, a mask can help stop that spread.” Pro tip: Experiment with sexy colors like siren red or blushing pink. Better yet, draw a sultry little mouth with lipstick and whisper your hottest memories of touching lips with another human mouth while your partner hits it from behind to stop the potential spray of coronavirus-infected saliva that permeates the sticky sex air with every grunt and pant.

Any hole’s a goal: Hitting a wall can be super sexy and super safe, according to vague instructions from the experts, who say getting kinky might just give you life, literally. “Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact,” say the pandemic (sex)perts. Pro Tip: Make your hole even more glorious by putting a doughnut around your partner’s penis after they insert it into the wall between you. Seductively lick, suck, and nibble the pastry away while you both wonder whether if all this extraordinary effort for sexual contact is more about feeling something beyond paralyzing anxiety than a few seconds of orgasm. Reach sexy, simultaneous conclusions that any sensation is preferable to the crushing loneliness of staying home with few means of passing the time beyond an onslaught of digital information depicting mass-scale human suffering in real-time, while all expert advice points to the fact that our very need for human connection is the root of this seemingly unending misery. But don’t forget to stay safe—have your Postmate leave the doughnuts at the door!

Don’t Get Under a Partner If You’re Under the Weather: While it can be super tempting to try to get laid while you’re already laid up, doctors actually say that feeling sick should be a cue to skip the sex. “If you feel unwell, or even start to feel unwell, avoid kissing, sex or any close contact with others,” says their handy guide to ethically making your O-face underneath that mask. Pro tip: If you’ve got a cough, try scrolling Twitter instead of your dating app. Swipe right on some on some boner-killing existential dread until a physician says its game on for sexy summer fun!

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DISCUSSION

Barada_nikto_byotch

Ok, so I’m guessing that pic is depicting something from the Bible, but to my covid 19 quarantined sex deprived mind, it looks like that lady just gave that dude head, using his cloak as some kind of poor cover, hence his ‘whew, damn girl’ immediate sleep inducing pose...while being judged by the giantess who’s strolling by, thinking how sad and frustrating the “you are your safest sex partner” suggestion has become. Wait, what...sorry, I got caught up there. Nice article.