Tucker Carlson Can Take His Horse to Go Fuck Yourself Road

Illustration for article titled Tucker Carlson Can Take His Horse to Go Fuck Yourself Road
Photo: Getty

On Friday night’s episode of Garbage Heap Tonight or Whatever, papa’s worst little boy Tucker Carlson tried to call out a bunch of celebrities for materially supporting the Black Lives Matter protests taking place across the United States following George Floyd’s death at the hands of Minneapolis police.

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Carlson, who was the first contestant eliminated on the third season of Dancing With the Stars, specifically named Steve Carrell, Janelle Monáe and about a dozen other famous people for bailing protesters out of jail and donating to various pro-Black orgs, arguing that this mass grassroots uprising against police brutality and white supremacy is actually some sort of top-down conspiracy coordinated by wealthy elites—you know, like how rightwing groups like the Heritage Foundation and the Family Policy Alliance have created state-level debates over trans people’s humanity. If I were trying to smear people for something they did, I would probably try to choose something bad that they did rather than something good, which this is. But I’m not the professional fuckface here, so what do I know!

Anyway, the lawful evil My Buddy doll zeroed in on Lil Nas X, accusing the rapper of using his platform to incite riots, which he didn’t do, and of urging his millions of followers to help bail out protesters, which he did do and is great.

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“This man just lied and told millions of people on national television that I was inciting riots,” tweeted Nas X following Carlson’s broadcast. “You can’t make this up.”

According to his Twitter, Nas X is going to spend his Saturday protesting. Unsure of what Carlson’s plans are, I raised my toilet’s lid and screamed “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY” down into the pipes where the Fox News anchor is rumored to summer. I received no response at press time, but I’ll update the story if I hear back.

[Hollywood Life]


Well, this is fucked up. Vanderpump Rules stars Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute, both white and names I’m familiar with not through watching their show but simply through reading the website Jezebel dot com, apparently called the cops on their only Black co-star.

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In an Instagram Live interview, Faith Stowers, said only Black co-star who has appeared on MTV’s Ex on the Beach and The Challenge since leaving Vanderpump, told fellow MTV personality Candace Rice that Schroeder and Doute reported her to the police, claiming that Stowers was some unidentified robber that they’d read about in the news. Vanderpump stans might already know about this incident, as Schroeder had previously joked about it in a 2018 appearance on the Bitch Bible podcast. “We are like, we just solved a fucking crime,” she said. “We start calling the police. The police don’t give a fuck. It’s really hard to get in touch with the police unless it’s an emergency.”

Neither Schroeder nor Doute have addressed their efforts to sic the police on Stowers, which, as the past two weeks (slash 155 years) have demonstrated is one of the many ways in which white Americans can utilize the state to inflict violence upon Black people. They’ve been radio silent on Instagram for the past few days, the most recent post for both of them being a black square that would appear to suggest that they believe that Black lives matter. A couple of brands have ended their partnerships with Schroeder, though, including razor company Billie and direct-to-consumer drug-seller Ritual.

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Prompted by Gabrielle Union’s discrimination complaint against NBCUniversal, Black Chyna has accused the TV conglomerate and the Kardashian/Jenner rat king of racism—specifically, canceling Rob & Chyna, which aired on the NBCUniversal-owned E!, after one season due to racism. Chyna also claims that Kris Jenner told NBC execs that Chyna would physically beat up her then-boyfriend, Rob Kardashian, in order to get them to cancel the show.

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The Kardashian/Jenners have denied Chyna’s claims, with their attorney basically saying that Chyna’s “playing the race card.” Speaking of the Kardashian/Jenners’ attorney, guess who it is? It’s Marty Singer! The same fucking chud who’s been defending Bohemian Rhapsody director Bryan Singer, no relation, from sexual assault allegations for close to a decade. I can’t think of a fun way to end this blurb. Sorry, everyone. Have a horrible day.

[TMZ]


  • Elsewhere in the news, Kanye West joined the Black Lives Matter protests in his hometown of Chicago. He also donated $2 million to the families and lawyers of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery. No word yet on whether West has donated his MAGA hat to garbage, though. [Associated Press]
  • Speaking as a Black woman with a white husband, Tika Sumpter advises every other Black person in her situation to make sure their white partners support them: “We do not need to protect them. I promise, they will be A-OK. They need to continue to fight for us. If they get offended when you talk about racists, you have a bigger problem on your hands.” [Bossip]
  • “Everyone in Hollywood knows that Lea Michele is a horrible human being,” according to The Voice alum Jordan Pruitt, lending further evidence to Samantha Marie Ware’s claims of racist harassment on the set of Glee. “She is a bitch to everyone.” [Us Weekly]
  • Philipp Plein says he’ll only donate to Black Lives Matter if Ferrari drops its lawsuit against him, despite the fact that he could just go ahead and like…………donate to Black Lives Matter. [Page Six]
  • Uncut Gems producer slash @emrata spouse about town Sebastian Bear McClard has apologized for saying the N-word after getting called out. [Us Weekly]
  • And in other apology news, Riverdale creator and showrunner Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has apologized to series star Vanessa Morgan after Morgan criticized the show’s portrayal of Black characters. Aguirre-Sacasa has also promised to “do better.” [Yahoo! Entertainment]

Freelance contributor

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DISCUSSION

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chocolate covered raisons d'être

“Unsure of what Carlson’s plans are, I raised my toilet’s lid and screamed “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY” down into the pipes where the Fox News anchor is rumored to summer.”

Dying here. Fucking hilarious and so perfect.