Illustration for article titled Joe Biden Will Lead As Soon As He Figures Out How This Damn Computer Works
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As the country hunkers down in self-isolation and politicians and celebrities take to social media to remind us they’re still alive and famous, one question reigns supreme: Where is Joe Biden? After his major primary wins, the assumed nominee for the Democratic party has gone largely silent. Is he self-isolating at home? Is he sick? If he’s sick does that mean Jill is in charge? Is he calling every single CEO in America on a rotary phone? No one knows. But a tweet from Matt Viser, a reporter with the Washington Post, might crack open the great political mystery of the day.

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Viser wrote that Biden is “desperately looking to be in regular contact with the American public” by either having press conferences or “using technology.” Viser includes a quote from Biden, “They tell me there’s ways we can do teleconferencing via us all being in different locations,” the potential next president said, possibly through a message sent via raven to Viser’s home.

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At the moment it is unclear who “they” are, but the nation can only hope that “they” will soon introduce Biden to the technology of “cell phones” or “the internet” so that the Democratic front runner can send some sort of proof of life. If like me, Biden just can’t find a good enough angle to shoot a video using the front-facing camera, he should be told that there many very good filters. A campaign staffer just needs to set Biden down in front of his quill and parchment and record the man writing out an address to the nation. Give the people what they want!

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