Recently, I’ve been thinking about butt fisting, mostly because my colleague Rich asked an interesting question in Jezebel Slack—which swiftly devolved into pure chaos and mania since we’re cooped up inside, together—about Ani DiFranco’s “Both Hands.” He wondered, “Is it a song about “manual sex? Fingering? Fisting? Some kind of combo?” The answer, ultimately, did not matter to me. My mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of entire fists up assholes.
As a disclaimer, this is not to discount hands going inside vaginas, which is actually quite pleasant, and which I’d recommend highly. I’d get fisted in the vagina everywhere, every day if I could. (But please, god, everyone—wash your hands before using them for anything, especially sex!) Anyway, once, a man I was sleeping with asked if he could fist me in the butt. I said no, quite swiftly. Instead of letting it go, he chose to explain to me the rationale behind his sexual proclivities: “Sometimes, when you’re fingering someone’s asshole, you stick one finger up there. Then two. And then it’s like, why not your whole hand?” Having been with a great deal of men who did not understand the physiological divide between two fingers in my asshole and four, the answer did little to change my mind. As I saw it then, and I see it now, you should not stick your whole hand up someone’s asshole.
It’s definitely possible. There have been dildos up my ass, even dicks, that felt large enough to warrant a comparison to someone’s fist. But they were not, ultimately, fists. They were long shafts of silicone or skin well-suited to slide into that cavernous maze behind my rectum. Bottoming is always a pleasure! Fisting, however? Absolutely not.
For one, unless you have gloves on, fisting in the butt seems extremely unsanitary. Not because assholes are dirty, of course—I’ve eaten out enough to know how hypocritical I’d sound. Moreso I know where hands themselves go—I have two myself. And while dicks are also dirty, with all that sweat and unwashed underwear that seems to plague the tops of the world, there’s a mental block for me concerning people’s dirty hands slipping up my butt. You can stick them around my neck. You can grab my boobs with them, even slip a finger or two in, granted you’ve clipped your nails. But your whole hand, with its wide berth and bulging knuckles and twisting fingers? Absolutely not.
If you’ve been unfortunate enough to have an entire fist inside of your asshole, I ask: Why? Perhaps you enjoyed it immensely, which is fine. You’re free to do with your body as you please. But I’ve been around enough to know the consequences of taking such a wide load. A friend from college had his entire asshole fall out during his friend’s wedding after taking three dicks at once earlier that week. A whole hand, meanwhile, seems much more extreme. Did your asshole fall out afterward? I hope not, but from the evidence I’ve read, it seems extremely likely!
There are probably more productive uses of my time than contemplating the physics of fisting in the asshole, but really, what else do any of us have to do anyway? You read this whole thing, so now I get to ask my question: Are you OK with getting fisted in the butthole? My own beliefs on the matter seem quite clear, but what about you?