Screenshot: Walmart (KTTV)

I have never done cocaine, despite the hell world we live in pushing me to towards just about every substance or arcane, subscription-based workout-fitness-health-wellness-spiritualism-weed-smoothie trend that has popped up in the last few years. I am also not a salacious personal essayist, or Vice employee, so I have no need really.

Santa, however, is an incredibly busy figment of our collective holiday festiveness, and he has all the need in the world for coke! Even Walmart, in keeping with the spirit of the season, temporarily sold a sweater which beautifully depicts his extreme cocaine habit shortly before the old man gets about shackling some reindeer to his magical sled and forcing them across the world and back, delivering Baby Shark CDs and JoJo Siwa merchandise to all the naughty children.

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KTTV reports that the above sweater was temporarily sold through Walmart Canada’s online store. As all good things, however, snitches on the internet ruined the good time with some tweets, which prompted the mega-retailer to pull the merchandise forever. In a statement, a spokesperson for Walmart said: “We apologize for any unintended offense this may have caused.”

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Just this once, I wish the mega-conglomerations that control the retail markets of the world had a sense of humor, at least so that I could have bought approximately 300 of these and made a fortune selling them back to anyone with a penchant for irony and holiday parties to attend. Alas, nobody wants me or Santa to have fun. While I stew in this failure of my own capitalist tendencies, enjoy this list of headlines I considered in writing this very important blog.

  • All I Want For Christmas is Some of Santa’s Cocaine
  • Ho, Ho, Ho, There’s A Lot of Snow on the Table in Front of Santa?
  • Was Santa on Coke When He Ran Over Grandma?
  • I Saw Mommy Doing Cocaine With Santa Claus
  • How Many Christmas Parties Would You Wear This Sweater To?
  • Looks Like Santa Claus is Dreaming of a White Christmas
  • Which Elf Sold Santa Claus This Many 8-Balls?