This morning I woke up sleeping on a water bed, which I’ve never owned. My hair was green, my cat was replaced with a dog, and outside, I saw nothing but sprawling farmlands. Google Maps informed me I was in Texas, a bit far from where I fell asleep in California. Desperate for answers as to why my life had become an inverse parody of itself, I scoured the news. Maybe I was dead, or CERN’s large hadron collider had finally blown the universe up.
And then I saw it— an Us Weekly headline that chilled me to the bone, the very fabric of the universe rippling in terror around my computer as I loaded the web page: “Drake and Kylie Jenner Appear Into Each Other at Rapper’s Birthday Party.” According to sources, the lip kit baroness spent “the most time near Drake and his friends.” They continue:
“Kylie was rapping to songs and dancing with her friends while she was next to Drake, but they weren’t dancing together, they seemed to have a connection though. .... [She] was drinking Mod Sélection Champagne and really seemed to be living her single best life.”
Another source claims they “enjoyed each others company,” and joked around and laughed most of the night. Drake, it seems, was “very comfortable” with Kylie. It was also at this point, allegedly, that various members of the room Began to experience time fluctuations. Some aged rapidly in seconds and blinked out of existence. Others, like me, found themselves completely transformed. And all the while Kylie and Drake danced, slowly ripping the universe open.
I’m not a scientist, but I suspect that the only way to get us all back to our original timeline—before the multi-verse imploded—is to have either come out and publicly deny their interaction. That, or Kris Jenner must set aside her machinations and forbid him from appearing on Keeping Up. But most importantly—and this one I learned in the movies—Kylie Jenner should do her best to not get pregnant with Drake. Any child of the union would likely be a vessel for some otherworldly entity, an emissary of darkness that would plunge our world further into chaos. Stay safe! [Us Weekly]
Speaking of news after the collapse of our space-time continuum, I’m told that Jameela Jamil DJed a Spotify “costume pop-up event” dressed like Billie Eilish. I don’t have anything particularly clever to say about this, except that I’m coming to enjoy the nonsense news in this alternate timeline we’re trapped in. What songs do you think she played? Did guests enjoy themselves? Maybe Billie Eilish was aslo there, ripping open a new gaping space-time fissure above NYC. [Just Jared]
Where I’m at this morning:
- Kate Middleton took her kids shopping at a supermarket. [People]
- Everyone on Will & Grace is still feuding. [Us Weekly]
- Kanye West wants to hang out with Joel Osteen. [TMZ]
- “Ben Affleck revamps Raya profile post-Page Six exposé” [Page Six]
- Blake Shelton called his marriage “shocking.” [People]