Good morning! As every sunrise brings new wonders, today it appears that Joe Giudice, a man that a brief Google search tells me used to be large but has since made himself smaller, is planning on using his newfound karate skills to defeat Immigrations and Customs Enforcement. Truly wild shit! Giudice, who I gather is also the husband of a Real Housewife, was jailed for fraud charges in 2016 and subsequently faced a series of deportation hearings this month. Last Friday, the Italian citizen was released from ICE custody and returned to Rome, where he is spending time with his family as he waits to hear back on the status of his third appeal. But Giudice isn’t content to take all of this lying down: On Wednesday, the real house-husband (?) and his daughter shared posts to Instagram in which Giudice speaks publicly for the first time since he was deported from the country where he has lived since childhood, writing: “We come back stronger than before, the fight’s just starting.” And fight he does, in an accompanying video of himself grunting and kicking in the direction of the camera in a choreographed karate training routine.
I’d make a joke about welcoming Giudice to the #resistance, but honestly, if everyone on TV spent their free time in fight training, creating a tanned and amped-up army to devour the agents of our country’s most nefarious government agency, I’d be fucking thrilled. Here’s our man:
Jennifer Lawrence is a very cool and casual girl, in fact, I identify with her, because like me she is a woman who occasionally wears jeans. (And flannel!) The extremely relatable Lawrence is apparently getting married this weekend at a very relatable secret location in Rhode Island to a “New York City” “art gallerist” with a delightful name: Cooke Maroney. I’ll be shocked if they don’t promise themselves to each other in one of those marble mansions out on the cliffs near Newport, which are stunning and spacious but also happen to be the gilded prizes awarded to industrious slave traders back in the day. Anyway: Someone leaked the menu to Jennifer Lawrence’s very casual and low-key wedding, and it sounds absolutely delightful. Here are some highlights:
— sweet potato flat cakes
— brussels sprouts with cured egg yolk
— smoked pork belly with pickled apple
— salt cod beignet
— either wood-roasted fish with herbs and lemon-infused butter OR ...
— 5-week-aged leg of beef with forager’s sauce.
— heirloom roasted carrots, smoked new potatoes, whey braised cabbage
— fire-baked sourdough bread pudding with chocolate
— salted caramel and fresh apple
— cauldron fritters with bourbon cream and cinnamon sugar
— house-made marshmallow s’mores.
I can practically taste it, it’s almost like I’m there.
Hell yes! Happy Birthday! You go girl! (Who is this person?)
[Editor’s note: It’s Suzanne Somers.]
- Miley Cyrus is extremely, painfully horny for her vacant-looking Australian [People]
- Another very relatable Jennifer (Aniston) has some more very relatable habits [E! Online]
- Helen Hunt is hospitalized following a car accident, which is legitimately very sad [E! Online]